Hey Dana Jane

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  • For Good

    Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

    – Jessica Howell

    I haven’t written about therapy or my family in a long time. I have finally come to accept that they will never acknowledge their treatment of me, nor will they apologize for pain they have caused.

    In September, my father asked me to put my “grievances” in a letter. His exact words were, “Send it in a letter and put time frames together because I think I will need time to digest.”

    I haven’t heard from him since. He hasn’t responded to subsequent emails and he didn’t attend my son’s confirmation Mass last Sunday. My mom said he was sick. That may be true. It also might be an excuse not to face me. I suppose I won’t know the truth.

    I’ve been distant with my siblings for awhile. I feel that I’m now an outsider. I am quite fine with it, I suppose. My life has been far less stressful and I’ve experienced fewer anxiety attacks.

    I don’t know if I’ll ever reconcile with my family of origin. I don’t know if I want to reunite. I do know that I won’t tolerate manipulation, guilt or shame for doing what’s best for me.

    Over the weekend when seeing the musical Wicked with friends, I had a moment of sorrow wash over me. It was during the song, For Good, that I was suddenly sad.

    I thought about how much my mother would have enjoyed the show. Actually, she would have hated paying “too much” for a ticket, but I know she would have loved the music, costumes, and stage design as much as I did.

    I was emotional thinking about the time I’ve lost since this family “trouble” began. I started to miss my dysfunctional family, and that feeling made me question my own sanity, because my family relationships have fallen apart.

    But then I realized that while I’m no longer involved with my family, it was my choice to distance myself, and I needed to walk away from anyone that doesn’t love me unconditionally.

    What I’ve gained in the process is self-worth, confidence, and healthy friendships. I have invited people into my life who have similar values. I have found people who see the good in me, always, instead of trying to fix me, or control me.

    I’ve heard it said
    That people come into our lives for a reason
    Bringing something we must learn
    And we are led
    To those who help us most to grow
    If we let them
    And we help them in return
    Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
    But I know I’m who I am today
    Because I knew you

    Listening to these lyrics helped me realize that better things have fallen together for me. I have found friendships that are meaningful with people who love my personality. These friends don’t hesitate to congratulate me on my successes, tell me I’m beautiful (inside and out), or acknowledge my feelings.

    And just to clear the air
    I ask forgiveness
    For the things I’ve done you blame me for
    But then, I guess we know there’s blame to share
    And none of it seems to matter anymore

    I’m choosing to forgive my family. I’m choosing to love them unconditionally. I’m choosing to forgive myself and move forward in the way that serves my best interests. I’m choosing to make myself a priority and to surround myself with people I love, who love me, too.

    During the last verse of the song my friend Kat leaned over and gave me a side hug. I’m so grateful to have her in my life. New friends can never replace my family, but they definitely come close. The best part is I get to choose who I let into my life.

    Things fall apart so that better things fall together. And I’ve been changed for the better.

    I do believe I have been changed for the better
    And because I knew you
    Because I knew you
    Because I knew you
    I have been changed
    For good

  • Wicked!

    This weekend I had the privilege of seeing the musical Wicked with friends. It was a last minute invitation as one of the original parties was unable to attend. When my friend asked me if I wanted to go along I didn’t hesitate to say yes!

    This musical has been on my bucket list for years. I’ve always been a fan of the Wizard of Oz, even dressing up as Dorothy one year for Halloween, and this show was nothing I thought it would be. It was more!

    The cast was brilliant in their roles, the stage design and costumes were spectacular, and the music! Oh, the music. I am still high on this performance, so I am struggling to find the proper words to describe my experience. I just loved it. Absolutely loved it!

    Wicked!

    The best part is that this group of friends loves to see musicals and stage performances and they have invited me to see Mean Girls in January. This should be a hoot!

    Are you a fan of performing arts? Share your favorites with me!

  • Living My Values

    I’ve always envied people who are fortunate enough to know who they are and the values that are most important to them. They know how to make decisions because their values guide them. They are confident and comfortable with themselves.

    But what about the rest of us, the ones who feel clueless and adrift in life?

    We live in a world of intense distraction. We are pulled in many directions. We are navigating mental pollution, and in the process, we have lost touch with what really matters to us.

    I often feel like I’m living my life on autopilot. I sometimes make decisions passively, in the rush of daily life, with no time to reflect on what I truly want or what’s most important to me.

    Somewhere amidst all the chaos I found myself asking, what are my values? And, do my values belong to me, or have I inherited someone else’s?

    In my therapy journey I’ve had to strip down to the core values in which I was raised. I’ve examined my beliefs. I’ve opened my heart and mind to other ways of thinking. It’s a very terrifying experience, but also necessary.

    I realized how tightly I had clung to what I was taught as a child, but never really examined why I aligned myself with any of it. The difficult part was discovering how challenging it is to let go of what’s familiar and embrace what’s true for me.

    Through self-awareness, I’ve learned to let go of what doesn’t serve my life. I discovered that I don’t always agree with the beliefs or politics that have been passed on to me. I hid what I truly believed and suppressed my opinions to avoid confrontation or judgment.

    I am giving up the values and beliefs that do not belong to me and taking ownership of my own values.

    We all have core values, whether we’re aware of them or not. They remain with us for most of our lives. They sometimes shift and change over time, but mostly remain stable throughout our lives.

    After many months of self-reflection and learning how to re-parent my inner child, I realized that I need to identify my values.

    To begin this process, I asked these questions:

    • What matters most to me?
    • What do I stand for?
    • What am I made of?
    • What are my values?
    • How do I know my actions and decisions reflect my values?

    This morning I came across a quote from Michelle Obama that resonated with me:

    “I have learned that as long as I hold fast to my beliefs and values, and follow my own moral compass, then the only expectations I need to live up to are my own.”

    As I read these words over and over, I asked an important question. How can I live up to my own expectations?

    Suddenly, I had an answer. I need to live my values.

    Identifying my values is the goal for the remainder of 2021. Living my values is the goal for 2022 and beyond.

    If you’re feeling the way I do and want to jump on board the values train, stay tuned for my weekly blog post on this topic. Let’s learn and grow together.

  • Photography: A Path to Healing

    My love for photography began in high school. I had taken a class as an elective credit. I was a terrible photographer back then, but I loved taking pictures. I learned how to develop my eye and how to develop film. Remember film? Does it age me to say I’m old enough to have worked in a darkroom developing my own photos? I can still smell the chemicals and recall how disgusting it was if you accidently got any on your hands.

    Over the years my photography skills have improved. My most favorite things to capture are portraits of family, friends and pets. But I also have an affinity for photographing architecture; namely churches, old buildings and houses, and nature landscapes. Some of my favorite works are of nostalgic places from my childhood.

    By now you know I’ve used this forum as catharsis for my therapy. But lately, I’ve discovered that my healing is a journey and I can spend time venting and releasing my emotional demons, or I can focus that energy into something positive and worthwhile.

    I’m choosing positivity and focusing on my true passion: Photography.

    One of the first projects I’ve had in mind for quite a long time is capturing the local churches in Portage County. I was raised Catholic and we have some of the most beautiful parishes in this area. Thus, I started a series I’m calling Churches of Portage County. I plan to expand this project as time allows, eventually taking pictures of the beauty inside each. And of course, I’ll work toward feature churches of other denominations as well.

    Stay tuned! For now, here’s a sample of my work:

    Holy Spirit Parish, Stevens Point, Wisconsin

    There’s definitely more to come and I can’t wait to share with you!

    You can find the full album of Holy Spirit Parish, here.

  • Leaving the Dysfunction

    What happens when you distance yourself from your dysfunctional or narcissistic family?

    You begin to heal. And it’s painful.

    You feel as though you had been asleep your whole life, and suddenly you’re awake.

    You begin to see things from another perspective. You see things for what they truly are. You notice behavior that you previously ignored in order to survive.

    It’s brutal.

    You come face to face with a reality that changes everything you thought you knew about yourself and your life.

    You face the truth. You realize you have little to no self-esteem, self-confidence or self-worth, and you were groomed to believe these false truths.

    My narcissistic family demanded that I be agreeable, compliant, and subservient. I was never taught how to love and accept myself. I was taught to hate myself for being a normal, imperfect human being. When you’re the child of a narcissist, you question every decision you make because you’ve been taught you can’t trust yourself or your instincts.

    When you’ve been abused this way for decades, it leaves a painful mark on your life. You’ve always felt lonely and unsupported. You soon realize the person you loved and trusted is actively trying to sabotage your life and your happiness.

    After going no contact with a narcissistic family, it soon becomes very clear that you were always alone, you just didn’t know it.

  • Somewhere Over the Rainbow

    Somewhere over the rainbow…

    Just when you think the chaos in your life will never end, God reminds you He is still here and won’t let you down.

  • On Being Told to Let It Go

    I had a realization this morning that has me thinking about this journey I’m on.

    Some people are uncomfortable with me sharing my truth. It makes them nervous. It forces them to realize that I will no longer cover for them.

    In the past, I always tried to be a peacemaker. I avoided conflict.

    That doesn’t work for me anymore.

    I’m not going to ignore the badmouthing behind my back. I’m not going to “just let it go.”

    If calling someone out on their bad behavior upsets them, perhaps they should shut their big mouths.

    If they don’t want me telling the truth about the abuse they continue to perpetuate, perhaps they should stop abusing me and seek therapy.

    The perfect family image was shattered years ago. This dysfunction continues because they let it continue.

    I cut myself off from these people for a reason. It’s not healthy for me to be with them.

    The anxiety and panic attacks are unbearable. I don’t want to live my life walking on eggshells because certain people feel entitled to control me or treat me poorly.

    “But they’re your family…”

    I hear this quite often from people who are close to my family members. It makes me wonder if they’ve been recruited to hoover me back into the dysfunction. Every time I hear it, this is my response:

    So what?

    Does being family mean they are entitled to treat me however they want? Does being family mean I’m obligated to tolerate it?

    These people have no idea what I’ve been through. Until they’ve walked in my shoes they don’t get to give me their advice.

    The people-pleaser inside me was always terrified to ruffle feathers. Now she’s mad. She’s tired of being treated like she exists solely to make others happy or feel comfortable.

    Those who are uncomfortable with me speaking up and using my voice should really start looking inward to figure out why this bothers them. It’s not my job to heal their insecurities or fix their fragile egos.

    Maybe they need to “let it go.”

  • Empowerment: Taking Back Your Life

    After years of feeling powerless I have finally begun the process of taking ownership of my life. To control my life I must be responsible for it. The first part of taking responsibility is accepting it, instead of denying it exists.

    Abuse is about power, and when you’ve been manipulated and guilted for years, it’s not easy to take your power back. When I was dealing with conflict with my family members I often wondered why they were treating me so terribly. Why is this happening to me? How can they be so controlling?

    It’s easier to deny what’s happening, then you don’t have to deal with it. I can’t live in denial. It’s unhealthy and harmful.

    Now that I have acquired coping skills I choose to liberate myself. I get to choose. I am freeing myself from being a victim. I may not have control over the way others behave toward me, but I do have control over what I will and will not tolerate.

    Now I ask, what are my solutions? What am I going to do about this? Do I need to do anything about this?

    Empowerment is a choice. It is accepting the realities that exist in the moment. Even if we do nothing, it’s important to realize that doing nothing is also a choice. Once you accept this you become “unstuck” and can create possibilities for yourself that didn’t previously exsist.

  • Moving From Self-Loathing to Self-Love

    When you begin therapy and start facing the thoughts, feelings and emotions you’ve avoided for so long, you start to realize that your entire existence has been affected by the abuse you endured.

    One of the things I have struggled with for most of my life is my weight. I can’t remember a time when I was thin. But what constitutes “thin?” Looking back at pictures of myself in my twenties, I wasn’t fat by society’s standards, but I wasn’t the accepted body size that society loves to idealize.

    At my lowest weight I was 140 pounds. I thought I was fat. At my highest weight, when pregnant, and after receiving a diagnosis of pre-eclampsia and elevated blood sugar, I weighed 274 pounds. Typing that makes me cringe.

    As I child I didn’t learn the proper way to eat. Food was forced. I don’t mean physically, but emotionally. I had an aversion to green vegetables so I was yelled at until I ate them. I remember sitting at the dinner table, gagging because I didn’t like the texture and taste of peas or green beans, and my dad would yell at me until I would eat them. Sometimes he’d threaten spankings or say that I was hurting my mom’s feelings by not eating what she made. (The fact that I grew to love these foods as an adult is quite funny to me.)

    There were times when I would refuse to eat something and my mom would fret over it. To her, not eating meant I was going to starve. She would make other meals to compensate and they weren’t always the healthiest. Mashed potatoes with a whole stick of butter added to the pot, Salisbury steak, lasagna, casseroles, and other high fat foods were in her rotation.

    When I moved out at 18 years old, I started trying to figure out what to eat and how to cook. I didn’t know a thing about macros or portion sizes. I would go through periods of starving myself so that I wouldn’t gain weight, then I would binge eat out of extreme hunger. I was obsessed with trying to trick my body into weight loss and it never worked. I believed that being thin like the models in magazines or the actresses in movies was how I was supposed to look. My perception of beauty was very skewed.

    My eating disorder caused my weight to fluctuate so much and so often that my body was in distress. I stopped getting my period. I had terrible stomach pains. I finally went to the doctor and he ran a gamut of tests. Then, at 19 years old, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) which added additional challenges. My hormones, namely insulin, were affected by my cycle of starvation and binges, and I started gaining weight no matter what I ate or how often I exercised.

    A few months ago I was talking with a therapist about my weight struggle. In therapy I address the emotional and psychological abuse I experienced, and it has helped me to uncover the deep-seeded feelings of guilt and shame I felt. When it was mentioned that sometimes the body wears weight as armor, I started to cry.

    Some women aren’t overweight because they eat big portions (I don’t), or because they loathe the treadmill (I love it). It’s not because they have a thyroid problem (I’ve checked, dozens of times, despite having the symptoms). It’s not because they are lazy (I’m definitely not).

    For some women, excess weight is a shield. For me, having been brainwashed to believe I was never smart enough, good enough, strong enough, thin enough or pretty enough, my weight was a barrier to the outside. It was an excuse for me to hide. It was a way for me to avoid…anything and everything.

    For years I’ve wondered why I struggle to keep the weight off. I start with intention, I make progress and then I quit. Why do I do this? In a recent conversation with a fitness trainer, I discovered the answer:

    Trainer: “It seems that you’ve made progress before, what happened?”

    Me: “I don’t know. I guess I just quit.”

    Trainer: “Why? At what point do you quit? What are the triggers that make you decide to give up?”

    Me: “I don’t know. I guess I start noticing the things others say to me and it leads to self-doubt or I worry about what others think. I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

    Trainer: “What do people say to you? And are these important people in your life? Sounds to me like you need to lose these people. They are extra weight.”

    That’s when I realized what is holding me back.

    Some people say things in a backhanded way:

    “Gosh, don’t you look skinnier.”

    “Wow, what’s finally working for you?”

    (Things said to me in a sarcastic tone.)

    Some people make comments behind my back:

    “She thinks she’s hot now.”

    “She’s not as fun now that she’s going to the gym.”

    “She’s never going to lose the weight, I don’t know why she tries.”

    (Things I overheard “friends” say in a bathroom stall.)

    Subconsciously, I began to believe that I didn’t deserve to be fit and healthy. Certain people have only known me as an overweight person, and for some screwed up reason my weight loss bothers them. Even more messed up is the fact that I let these people affect me.

    Why?

    Because this type of abuse is familiar to me.

    Emotional abuse. Psychological abuse. It’s all I knew. It was “normal.”

    For too long I was a people pleaser. I avoided conflict because I didn’t want people to be mad at me for standing up for myself. I didn’t want people to dislike me for sharing my honest thoughts and feelings. I cared more about others’ feelings than my own.

    After talking to the trainer I shared the lightbulb moment in therapy. I was reminded that I need to love myself more than others love me. I need to pull off the masks of shame, guilt and failure. I need to let go of the negative crap that manifests in my life and my body so that I can emerge with a new shape, new mind, new resilience and a new connection to my true, radiant self.

    It’s been a few weeks since I had this epiphany and a few pounds have already fallen off.

    Imagine that.

    I choose self-love, not self-loathing.

  • Mondays, Migraines and Madness

    It’s Monday night and I can’t sleep. I had a migraine for most of the day and the only “cure” that works for me is sleeping in a dark, cold room. Sleeping all day leads to not sleeping at night.

    This headache was a doozy. It began yesterday as a tension headache brought on by lack of sleep and an abundance of stress, and this morning at 4 a.m., I was jolted out of bed by massive pain. I truly believed I was having a stroke. Then I realized I’ve inherited my mother’s hypochondria. Next, I’m certain I’ll think every ailment is a sign of cancer.

    I shouldn’t joke like this. Cancer sucks, and strokes aren’t funny.

    My stress levels are crazy high because I’m still dealing with all…of…the…things. Even though I know I’m making progress in healing from my emotional trauma, I still have moments of anger and grief. If I’m not pissed about some past offense I’m crying because I don’t understand how my family can treat me so poorly and think it’s okay. Then I remember who the hell I’m dealing with and get mad again.

    This weekend I spent a lot of time with my boys. It helps to distract myself. I love my kids and I love being with them, but the last two days were tough. Having a teenager, a preteen and younger child is challenging. I’m a parent of three kids in three different developmental stages all at once. Some days they have attitude. Other days they don’t listen unless I turn into a raving lunatic. And then there are the days when they don’t like each other and participating in family fun just might kill us all.

    It’s madness!

    But sometimes there are moments, fleeting moments, where everyone is smiling and happy and loving. Can I please have more of those days? The happy ones?

    I know no one is happy all the time. That’s unrealistic. And I’d worry that my children had turned into pods if they were agreeable every minute of the day. I guess I’m just wishing things were less chaotic. Or maybe I need to stop worrying about the bad days and focus on the good ones.

    I think I’m finally tired. Here’s to sweet dreams of happy days ahead.