Hey Dana Jane

Author: heydanajane

  • Sacred Insights: Reflection on John 3:16-18

    One of my goals for the year was to read the Bible more. It’s not an easy feat, given how busy we are. I have started off well, then let myself lapse, and now I’m trying my best to be consistent in my reading. We’ll see how this goes.

    One of the bible versus I’ve had memorized since I was a young kid in catechism class is in the gospel of John, where God the Father sacrifices his own son, Jesus, to pay the debt of human sin. Today I read the verse with fresh eyes and I wanted to share my thoughts.

    John 3:16-18 is a profound and impactful passage that encapsulates the essence of Christianity and the message of God’s love and salvation. This verse holds a special place in the hearts of believers as it unveils the core principles of faith, grace, and redemption. Let’s delve into a reflective exploration of these verses:

    John 3:16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

    This verse serves as a poignant reminder of the magnitude of God’s love. It’s a declaration that His love is boundless and all-encompassing, extending to every corner of the world and to every individual. The concept of God giving His only Son emphasizes the depth of His sacrificial love, as Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice on the cross symbolizes God’s desire for reconciliation with humanity. As believers, we’re invited to embrace this love and accept the gift of eternal life through faith in Jesus Christ.

    John 3:17: “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.”

    This verse shifts our perspective from fear and condemnation to hope and salvation. It underscores God’s intention behind sending Jesus to the world. Instead of coming to pass judgment, Jesus came to offer a path to salvation. It’s a profound reminder that God’s desire is not to condemn but to redeem, to rescue us from our brokenness and sin. This message encourages believers to approach God with confidence, knowing that His arms are open wide for those who seek His grace.

    John 3:18: “Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God.”

    This verse highlights the importance of faith in Jesus Christ as the foundation of salvation. Belief in Him is the transformative key that removes the weight of condemnation. It stresses the role of our own choices in accepting or rejecting God’s offer of redemption. The verse underscores that the ultimate condemnation lies not in God’s judgment, but in choosing to remain separated from the source of life and light. It urges us to ponder the significance of our beliefs and their eternal consequences.

    Reflecting on these verses, I am reminded of the immense privilege we have in embracing God’s love and salvation. It’s a call to respond to His love with trust and faith, allowing it to shape our lives and draw us into a deeper relationship with Him. As we internalize the message of John 3:16-18, may we be inspired to share this transformative love with others and to live out the faith that springs from the wellspring of God’s boundless grace.

  • Navigating Toxic Family Dynamics: Breaking Free from Harmful Expectations

    Family is often thought of as a sanctuary of love and support, a place where individuals find solace and encouragement. However, not all families fit this idyllic image. Toxic families are characterized by harmful patterns of behavior, communication, and expectations that can have a profound impact on the mental and emotional well-being of their members, particularly children. In this post, we’ll delve into the rules and expectations toxic families often place on their children, the effects these dynamics can have, and strategies for overcoming the challenges they present.

    The Rules and Expectations of Toxic Families

    Toxic families often exhibit distinct rules and expectations that create an environment marked by emotional manipulation, control, and unrealistic demands. These rules can include:

    1. Silence and Secrecy: In many toxic families, open communication about problems or concerns is discouraged or even forbidden. Children are often taught to keep family issues hidden from outsiders, fostering a sense of isolation and preventing the healing process.
    2. Unrealistic Perfectionism: Toxic families may place an unhealthy emphasis on perfectionism, expecting children to excel in every area of their lives without room for mistakes or failures. This pressure can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and a distorted sense of self-worth.
    3. Emotional Blackmail: Emotional manipulation is a hallmark of toxic family dynamics. Children may be guilt-tripped into conforming to the family’s wishes, often resulting in individuals sacrificing their own needs and aspirations to please their parents or other family members.
    4. Control and Micromanagement: Children in toxic families often find their choices and decisions micromanaged by parents who seek to exert control over their lives. This lack of autonomy can stifle personal growth and lead to feelings of resentment and rebellion.
    5. Invalidation of Feelings: Toxic families may undermine the emotions and experiences of their children, dismissing their feelings as insignificant or even irrational. This can result in children doubting their own perceptions and struggling to establish healthy emotional boundaries.

    The Effects on Children

    The consequences of growing up in a toxic family can be profound and long-lasting:

    1. Low Self-Esteem: Constant criticism and unrealistic expectations can erode a child’s self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
    2. Anxiety and Depression: The chronic stress of navigating toxic family dynamics can contribute to the development of anxiety and depression, as well as other mental health issues.
    3. Difficulty in Relationships: Children who have grown up in toxic families may struggle with forming and maintaining healthy relationships, as they may lack the skills to set boundaries and communicate effectively.
    4. Repeating Patterns: Individuals from toxic families are at risk of perpetuating these harmful patterns in their own lives and families, unless they actively work to break the cycle.

    Overcoming Toxic Family Dynamics

    Breaking free from toxic family dynamics is a challenging journey, but it is possible with determination and support:

    1. Seek External Support: If you’re in a toxic family situation, seeking help from a therapist, counselor, or support group can provide you with a safe space to process your feelings and develop coping strategies.
    2. Establish Boundaries: Learning to set healthy boundaries is crucial. Recognize that it’s okay to prioritize your well-being and say no to unreasonable demands.
    3. Build a Supportive Network: Cultivate relationships with friends, mentors, and positive role models who can provide emotional support and guidance.
    4. Develop Self-Compassion: Practice self-compassion and challenge the negative self-talk that toxic family dynamics may have instilled in you.
    5. Work on Personal Growth: Engage in activities that help you discover your interests and passions, fostering a sense of autonomy and self-discovery.
    6. Therapeutic Techniques: Techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you reframe negative thought patterns and develop healthier coping strategies.

    In Conclusion

    Toxic family dynamics can cast a shadow over one’s life, but they don’t have to define it. By recognizing the harmful rules and expectations, understanding their effects, and taking proactive steps to break free, individuals can find the strength to overcome the challenges posed by toxic families. Remember, healing takes time, and seeking professional support can be a crucial step on the path to emotional well-being and personal growth.

  • Burnouts and Breaks

    I needed a break. From all things. Writing felt like a chore and I didn’t have the capacity to worry about what blog content I should be creating. I was feeling the burnout.

    Why can’t I simply go with the flow and write when the mood strikes me?

    I know, I know. Consistency is the key to success. But let’s be honest. I’ve fallen into old habits and it’s so easy to do.

    So it’s the end of March. More than two months since I last posted anything. Sorry about that. (Yeah, I don’t know why I’m apologizing, but there it is!)

    What have I been up to, you ask? (No, you didn’t ask. I know that, too.)

    I have binged on Netflix. (Damn you, Bridgerton.)

    I have spent a lot of time with family and friends.

    I have read more books.

    I have gotten more sleep.

    I have spent time outdoors.

    I have lived life off social media.

    I have taken more pictures.

    And I’m feeling good. Better than ever. Well, except for the stupid cold I had all last week and is still lingering.

    But a hiatus was much needed and I’m ready to get back to my writing.

    What have you been up to?

  • Curiosity

    A few months ago, before the holidays, I had a revelation about myself. I was immersed in planning for Christmas, which always leads me toward planning for the new year, and I realized that I often talk myself out of doing things when I’m feeling insecure. I started to become curious about my behavior.

    Too often friends or colleagues will invite me to try something and my instinct is usually to say no. Later, I’ll think about how fun the activity seemed and why I was too shy, or scared, to step out of my comfort zone.

    I have been working on being more brave and the biking event I participated in last September was my first big step toward that goal.

    So why am I still so reluctant to say yes?

    I am a naturally curious person. I love to learn and seek knowledge by reading books, watching TED Talks and online seminars. But when it comes to certain social engagements, I find that if I’m feeling uncomfortable, I say no to avoid dealing with the emotions I’m feeling. I decided this insecurity and fear must end.

    In yoga class, my instructor often asks us to get curious about what’s happening in our bodies when we move into various poses. She tells us to acknowledge our thoughts, whether positive or negative, and then let them go. It’s not always easy to follow this advice during class, but I try. And sometimes I’m successful.

    It was during my revelatory moment that I discovered I must let go of the thoughts and emotions that hold me back in order to stay curious and not be so reluctant to try new things.

    How do you get and stay curious? I’m so glad you asked, I’ve made a list:

    1. Be a “yes” person. I don’t mean that you have to say yes to everything and everyone around you. (Who has time for that? Not me.) Instead of defaulting to “no,” respond by saying, “Yes, tell me more!” or “Yes, I’ll try that with you!”
    2. Investigate things that spark your interest. Make discoveries. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Do some research, jump on Google, and learn more about what interests you. Too often I make a mental note to check into something, only to forget about it soon after. Keeping a list is helpful. For example, I have recently become interested in snowshoeing. I’ve been researching different brands and have a list of places I’d like to go once I’ve made my purchase. I also have a list of books I want to read that pertain to my newest interests.
    3. Ask questions. I’ve stopped being afraid to show that I don’t know the answers to some things. I wonder aloud and ask others to share their advice and experiences.
    4. Practice being present. Become engaged. Put down your phone, or turn it off if it’s a big distraction. I find that when I’m present in the moment with others, and our shared experiences, I’m more likely to be curious.
    5. Become a student of things you’re interested in and learn as much as you can about them. You might be surprised where your exploration takes you. Recently I was very intrigued by other religions, namely the FLDS church and it’s polygamist past. I devoured every book I could find on the religion, its members and the experiences of those who left the FLDS church. This led me to learn more about Mormonism, Joseph Smith, and how the state of Utah became the LDS capital of the world.

    Curiosity is the desire to learn, or acquire knowledge, about everything or even specific topics. We are all born with it. Babies are especially curious about the world around them. My children ask many questions every day. However, as we grow, we shift from curious learning to knowing and, as an adult, we can reach a learning plateau. None of us is an expert in all things, so continual learning is essential.

    Get curious.

  • New Beginnings

    We’re three weeks into 2022 and I have to say that this year feels different, in a good way. Honestly, I can’t quite put my finger on what is making me feel optimistic. I don’t want to jinx it so I have resigned myself to simply accept what the universe brings forth and go with the flow. Maybe that’s the change; I’ve learned to let go of anything I can’t control and embrace the good things headed my way.

    I didn’t set resolutions this year, but I did write intentions in my journal. One was to consistently exercise. I set a goal of walking five days per week. Looking back at my fitness tracker I’ve only managed to work out four days each week since January 1st. The old me would have had a panic attack about not being perfect; she would have given up and quit working altogether, because her plan was ruined. The new me is giving myself grace, doing what I can in the time I have available and letting go of the need for perfection.

    Another intention was to read more, and that’s gotten off to a rocky start. Last year I read over 60 books and my goal was 52. This year my goal is 60 and I have yet to complete one of the two I started reading this month. Working from home is a big distraction. When I have a free moment I tidy up the house, swap laundry from washer to dryer, or work out over lunch. Reading has taken a backseat for now, but I’m confident I’ll catch up.

    The best part of January is it’s a colder month, and I feel the need to stay home more often than going out. I’m comfortable in this season of dormancy. I love starting the fireplace, watching movies (or even football) with the boys, and not having any obligation to be anywhere but home.

    This month I’ve adopted a mantra, “Do not be tempted by expectation.” It resonates with me because I’ve observed my friends and acquaintances chasing after their goals and ambitions, but not in a way that serves them. I see them competing with others, with the world. They compare what they have to what they do not have. I’m guilty of this, too.

    When I began to reflect on this, I realized I had been in a frenetic pace of activity for too long, and I no longer understood what I was chasing after. After much thought I realized that my ego desired to be successful and I unknowingly forfeited my attention to the temptation of certain achievements, or societal expectations. By caring too much about what others expect of me, I missed opportunities to experience my life in ways that are true to who I am.

    So, this year I’m focusing on me, my goals, and my ambitions. I will not be tempted by expectation. I will choose to “let go” because letting go is a choice for new beginnings.

  • The Value of Beauty

    The holidays brought to my attention the value of beauty that society places upon us, and on women especially. So many advertisements feature extraordinarily beautiful women next to exceptionally handsome men. If I have to see this Dolce & Gabbana commercial one more time…well, I may jump off a cliff.

    I’m not seriously going to attempt suicide, but some of these marketing strategies make many of us feel insecure, inferior, and basically…ugly. I try to understand the reason behind this societal push for women to be 5’10”, size 2, super models or men to resemble Adonis. I think it comes down to the fact that people want to look at beautiful people.

    Not everyone has a super model body, and not everyone should. Accepting the bodies we have, and living healthy lifestyles, is more important than looking like Heidi Klum. The inclusivity, anti-body shaming, movement has picked up a lot of steam over the past few years. I think it’s wonderful that we have plus-sized models willing to pose in swimwear and lingerie. They show the world that they love the skin they’re in (thank you, Oil of Olay, for that catchy phrase), and they empower others to accept themselves for who they are, not who society says they should be.

    All of these thoughts beg the question, what does beauty actually mean?

    I dug out the dictionary and read the definition.

    beau·ty
    /ˈbyo͞odē/
    noun
    1. a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight.
    “I was struck by her beauty”
    2. a beautiful woman.
    “she was considered a great beauty in her youth”

    Truthfully, everyone’s definition of beauty is different. What I find beautiful, you may find to be less so. I remember hearing the expression, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” as a child, and thinking how odd this phrase was. It had negative connotations for me because I applied it to my physical appearance.

    While one person might find me beautiful on the outside, another may not. For an insecure teenager the phrase is even more troublesome, especially for girls. When society is constantly pushing a narrative that your body size and attractiveness directly correlate to your value as a person, you can imagine the psychological trauma that is inflicted and the mixed messages that are received.

    For me personally, I look beyond someone’s physical appearance. When I’m photographing people, I try to capture the spark in their eyes, their unique smiles, and how the light shines on their faces. My favorite part of taking pictures of friends and loved ones is noticing the laugh lines, crows feet and smile creases. To me these are signs of a life that has been lived and experiences that have been gained.

    There is beauty in everything if you look closely. When I’m taking walks with the dog I always bring my camera. The excitement of seeing the trees, sun, or clouds against a bright blue sky, and the way it all comes together like a brilliant painting, fills me with emotions that I find difficult to describe. Friends have commented on my obsession with color and light and nature scenes. They don’t understand that the way trees frame a walking trail, or the way sunlight hits leaves so brilliantly, sends my mood soaring as high as the birds in the sky.

    My definition of beauty is to notice, to create, and to cultivate the exquisiteness and loveliness that surrounds me. Not only am I drawn to the beauty in nature, but I seek out beautiful souls, people who bring a smile to the faces of others. I look for their beautiful qualities; how they behave, choices they make and how they interact with others.

    Sometimes it isn’t easy to see the beauty in our lives. In addition to keeping a gratitude journal, I also keep a list of all the ways I invite beauty into my life. My eyes and ears are always open so that I can pay attention to and appreciate the small beauties of each day. It’s also important for me to disconnect from digital screens as much as possible so that I’m present in the physical world and intentional with the quality time I spend with those I love.

    In my home I have begun to make changes to my décor so that everywhere I look my eye falls on something beautiful. Last summer I took a painting class and painted a gorgeous sunflower. For weeks that painting sat on my table until I finally hung it on the wall near my bookshelf. It’s the first thing I see when I go to my reading nook. Sometimes I pause after a few chapters just to look at what I created.

    When you become conscious of the beauty in your life, your outlook changes. Instead of dwelling on the negative, you’ll find that your attitude becomes more positive and your mood is lifted. The best part is that this kind of awareness is contagious. Share it with others and watch as they become more positive and aware of the beauty in their lives.

    Beauty is everywhere. Invite it into your life. Notice it. Create it. Cultivate it.

  • New Year, New Energy

    Seven days into the new year and I’m feeling energized. Focused. Determined. Ready to kick ass and take names. Have you ever looked up that phrase? I heard it used often as a child and I pictured someone literally kicking another person’s ass and then asking them, “Hey, what’s your name?” I find that funny. Also, I learned that this idiom means to be unequivocally dominant and in control in some situation. I think it suits me.

    I am undergoing a transformation, a personal revolution. I woke up one day between Christmas and New Year’s and decided that the time has come to put everyone else’s bullshit behind me, to stop wasting time and energy on people who don’t deserve me, and to make myself a priority.

    Selfish? Yes. Necessary? Absofuckinglutely.

    Prioritizing my own self-care has taken on a new meaning. I have consistently exercised this week. This has been something I’ve struggled with because I go through phases. I will work out several days in a row and then skip a day, only to find it’s difficult to get back on the horse. Or treadmill, rather. But this week I ran or walked on the treadmill 4 days and walked the dog outside in the frozen tundra twice. It feels amazing to log food and exercise on MyFitnessPal. Consistency is the key to success.

    I’m also working on personal growth. Meditation and visualization have become a part of my morning routine. At night I read the Bible with my kids. Spiritual growth is important to me, and I’m exploring my own religion, as well as learning about other practices.

    The most important lesson I’ve learned is that I need to step out of my comfort zone. It’s easy to do what’s familiar. The hard things are where growth is found.

    For once, I’m unequivocally in control of my life.

    How is your New Year so far? What changes are you making in your life?

  • Just. This.

    I had taken a much needed break from blogging shortly after my last post. The holidays are a little rough on me this year. Thanksgiving was a simple dinner at home, and I prepared the house for Christmas a few days after that. My usual anxieties popped up and I made the conscious decision to just deal with it.

    I’m trying to recognize my patterns- mental, emotional and physical, so that I can change what isn’t working and maintain the routines that help me feel good about myself. If I’m completely honest, I do love the holiday season, but I also tend to shut down when I know I must face certain things that are uncomfortable or traumatic.

    In having a conversation with my husband, he mentioned that my mood changes drastically in the days leading up to Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter when I know I will see my parents and siblings. I denied this for many years. I blamed the stress of marriage, raising kids and my job, instead of being honest with myself. The truth is, I don’t like celebrating holidays with my extended family because of the past traumas I endured.

    As a trained people-pleaser, I have always felt that I’ve never been able to meet my father’s expectations. I ‘have believed that I deserved my mother’s criticism of my life choices or parenting style. Instead of addressing these problems head on I always avoided confrontation. I rarely, if ever, spoke up about how their behaviors affected me.

    As the oldest child I was parentified very early in childhood and took on responsibilities for my brothers and sister that should have been reserved for adults. I have slowly started to acknowledge that I have resentment towards them. As a teenager, I was always told by my parents that I had to be responsible, I had to help them with my siblings because they both worked outside the home, they needed me to be mature and take on their roles as parents in their absence.

    You can imagine how my siblings must have felt when my parents put me in charge. I had no understanding of what they were asking me to do, and my brothers and sister believed they “didn’t have to listen” to me because I’m not their mother. But when chores didn’t get done, I was the one my parents punished. We fought constantly. I knew that if they didn’t do their fair share, I’d be in trouble. They knew it, too. If things were a mess they knew I’d take the heat. So naturally, I did their chores, too.

    “You’re the oldest, you need to help them. You’re smarter, they don’t know any better. Just do it if they can’t.”

    That’s a tall order for a 15-year-old girl. It was infuriating, too. I didn’t have a childhood. My siblings did. They had no responsibilities so long as I lived in that house. This is one of the reasons why I moved out as fast as I could after turning eighteen. I needed to escape. I needed to live my own life. I needed to be free from parenting my siblings.

    They don’t see it the same way. They see me as a control freak, someone who has trouble letting loose and just having fun. They accuse me of being tightly wound. I’ve been accused of abandoning them when I moved out, when the reality is I had too many expectations placed on me and I needed to flee for my own sanity.

    It’s true, I have control issues. I’m OCD about cleaning my house. I don’t let the dishes pile up in the sink. I vacuum daily. I make my kids clean their own rooms and do chores. I’ve been criticized as being too tough on my kids by certain family members. This used to upset me, but then I remember they don’t clean their houses the way I do, because they never had to when we all lived in the same house. I was the house keeper.

    I’ve mentioned this to my parents and siblings before and have been met with outrage. They don’t remember how I did the dishes almost daily. They don’t remember the laundry I did for myself and for the rest of my family. How I cleaned toilets and cleaned out the refrigerator. And having a parent who can’t throw anything away made it very difficult for me. Instead they have gaslighted me or told me they don’t remember it happening that way, but they were 14, 12 and 6 when I moved out. I still struggle with these traumas today.

    My husband tells me I have an obsession with cleaning and purging. I am constantly throwing things away. I go through phases of overwhelming urges to get rid of things, followed by moments where I hang on to things that have memories attached. It’s a nightmare. It’s like having a split personality. The OCD side of me is enraged when the house is a mess. The part of me raised by a pack rat wants to save things in case I forget the happy memories associated with the item. Can you imagine the fight inside my brain?

    This is why I spend days cleaning my house for holidays. It’s almost as if I have to prove my worth by how clean my house is and how nice it looks. And then when family arrives, I am so keyed up from stress and anxiety that I want them to leave immediately. I battle myself quietly, trying to tell myself it’s all okay, and things will be fine. It’s still a struggle.

    Therapy has helped with some of this. I have recognized that I’m not at fault for my obsessive tendencies. It’s hard to break free from something ingrained in you as a child. I have learned to acknowledge it, to accept it and to consciously work on changing my habits. It’s not easy. To be honest it’s awful sometimes, but I’m doing the best I can.

    One of the skills I adopted during these moments is mindfulness and meditation. I have learned to be honest about what is happening inside my brain. It’s challenging. It’s also beautiful. One of the mantras I use when meditating is to say the words, “Just. This.” I repeat this phrase to remind myself that what is happening in the present moment is what matters. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Today. Present moment.

    I acknowledge my shortcomings I allow myself grace. I accept myself and others for who we are. I forgive myself for allowing others to guilt, shame, manipulate or control me. I forgive others for their mistreatment of me. And I focus on just this, a mantra to carry with me in my daily life.

  • The Value of Assertiveness

    In my early forties, I found myself wondering if my life is anything like I thought it would be at this age. I often feel that something bigger is in store for me, yet I don’t know what that something is; I’m adrift and unsure of my purpose.

    Have you ever felt that way?

    I used to think I was a steady person, not often willing to make drastic changes in my life. Now all I can think about is making big changes to my life. What is this feeling? It’s unsettling. I don’t like it.

    The last fifteen months has been a tornado of change. From acknowledging traumas, recognizing negative behaviors of myself and others, to making the decision to no longer tolerate abuse and manipulation, I have discovered that I’m no longer interested in doing what everyone else thinks I should.

    There have been many lightbulb moments that led me to my journey of defining my values. One of the brightest moments was realizing that I want, and need, to be more assertive.

    What does it mean to be assertive? The dictionary defines assertiveness as being confident, self-assured, and having the ability to express needs easily.

    Being raised in an environment where I was made to believe I didn’t know what I was doing, that my needs weren’t important, I was certainly not assertive and didn’t possess the ability to express what I needed from my parents or siblings.

    To be assertive I have learned to speak up. I no longer expect others to know what I want or need. I have become more open about what works or does not work for me, and I’m not afraid to be honest when my boundary lines have been crossed.

    When communicating verbally or in text or email, I have taken time to think about my words. It is important for me to understand other people’s points of view, to consider all sides of a situation and to use assertive statements such as, “I think” and “I feel” instead of saying “you always” or “you never.”

    Being assertive means I am never passive nor aggressive. Being assertive means being direct and honest. And the first step toward assertiveness is creating boundaries that help me decide what I will and will not allow, and this helps me decide the best way to communicate.

    For me, communicating my needs has helped me feel less anxious about my interpersonal relationships. My husband and children know my boundaries. We have eliminated many miscommunications and everyone is more willing to discuss issues freely. The quality of my friendships has improved, too. I no longer tolerate negative behavior and I’m more aware of my own attitude toward negative people.

    Are you an assertive person? Or, do you tend to be passive-aggressive? In what ways will effectively communicating your needs improve your life?

  • For Good

    Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

    – Jessica Howell

    I haven’t written about therapy or my family in a long time. I have finally come to accept that they will never acknowledge their treatment of me, nor will they apologize for pain they have caused.

    In September, my father asked me to put my “grievances” in a letter. His exact words were, “Send it in a letter and put time frames together because I think I will need time to digest.”

    I haven’t heard from him since. He hasn’t responded to subsequent emails and he didn’t attend my son’s confirmation Mass last Sunday. My mom said he was sick. That may be true. It also might be an excuse not to face me. I suppose I won’t know the truth.

    I’ve been distant with my siblings for awhile. I feel that I’m now an outsider. I am quite fine with it, I suppose. My life has been far less stressful and I’ve experienced fewer anxiety attacks.

    I don’t know if I’ll ever reconcile with my family of origin. I don’t know if I want to reunite. I do know that I won’t tolerate manipulation, guilt or shame for doing what’s best for me.

    Over the weekend when seeing the musical Wicked with friends, I had a moment of sorrow wash over me. It was during the song, For Good, that I was suddenly sad.

    I thought about how much my mother would have enjoyed the show. Actually, she would have hated paying “too much” for a ticket, but I know she would have loved the music, costumes, and stage design as much as I did.

    I was emotional thinking about the time I’ve lost since this family “trouble” began. I started to miss my dysfunctional family, and that feeling made me question my own sanity, because my family relationships have fallen apart.

    But then I realized that while I’m no longer involved with my family, it was my choice to distance myself, and I needed to walk away from anyone that doesn’t love me unconditionally.

    What I’ve gained in the process is self-worth, confidence, and healthy friendships. I have invited people into my life who have similar values. I have found people who see the good in me, always, instead of trying to fix me, or control me.

    I’ve heard it said
    That people come into our lives for a reason
    Bringing something we must learn
    And we are led
    To those who help us most to grow
    If we let them
    And we help them in return
    Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
    But I know I’m who I am today
    Because I knew you

    Listening to these lyrics helped me realize that better things have fallen together for me. I have found friendships that are meaningful with people who love my personality. These friends don’t hesitate to congratulate me on my successes, tell me I’m beautiful (inside and out), or acknowledge my feelings.

    And just to clear the air
    I ask forgiveness
    For the things I’ve done you blame me for
    But then, I guess we know there’s blame to share
    And none of it seems to matter anymore

    I’m choosing to forgive my family. I’m choosing to love them unconditionally. I’m choosing to forgive myself and move forward in the way that serves my best interests. I’m choosing to make myself a priority and to surround myself with people I love, who love me, too.

    During the last verse of the song my friend Kat leaned over and gave me a side hug. I’m so grateful to have her in my life. New friends can never replace my family, but they definitely come close. The best part is I get to choose who I let into my life.

    Things fall apart so that better things fall together. And I’ve been changed for the better.

    I do believe I have been changed for the better
    And because I knew you
    Because I knew you
    Because I knew you
    I have been changed
    For good