The Value of Assertiveness

In my early forties, I found myself wondering if my life is anything like I thought it would be at this age. I often feel that something bigger is in store for me, yet I don’t know what that something is; I’m adrift and unsure of my purpose.

Have you ever felt that way?

I used to think I was a steady person, not often willing to make drastic changes in my life. Now all I can think about is making big changes to my life. What is this feeling? It’s unsettling. I don’t like it.

The last fifteen months has been a tornado of change. From acknowledging traumas, recognizing negative behaviors of myself and others, to making the decision to no longer tolerate abuse and manipulation, I have discovered that I’m no longer interested in doing what everyone else thinks I should.

There have been many lightbulb moments that led me to my journey of defining my values. One of the brightest moments was realizing that I want, and need, to be more assertive.

What does it mean to be assertive? The dictionary defines assertiveness as being confident, self-assured, and having the ability to express needs easily.

Being raised in an environment where I was made to believe I didn’t know what I was doing, that my needs weren’t important, I was certainly not assertive and didn’t possess the ability to express what I needed from my parents or siblings.

To be assertive I have learned to speak up. I no longer expect others to know what I want or need. I have become more open about what works or does not work for me, and I’m not afraid to be honest when my boundary lines have been crossed.

When communicating verbally or in text or email, I have taken time to think about my words. It is important for me to understand other people’s points of view, to consider all sides of a situation and to use assertive statements such as, “I think” and “I feel” instead of saying “you always” or “you never.”

Being assertive means I am never passive nor aggressive. Being assertive means being direct and honest. And the first step toward assertiveness is creating boundaries that help me decide what I will and will not allow, and this helps me decide the best way to communicate.

For me, communicating my needs has helped me feel less anxious about my interpersonal relationships. My husband and children know my boundaries. We have eliminated many miscommunications and everyone is more willing to discuss issues freely. The quality of my friendships has improved, too. I no longer tolerate negative behavior and I’m more aware of my own attitude toward negative people.

Are you an assertive person? Or, do you tend to be passive-aggressive? In what ways will effectively communicating your needs improve your life?