Hey Dana Jane

Tag: Therapy

  • Embracing Vulnerability: A Path to Authentic Connection

    Vulnerability, often perceived as a weakness, is paradoxically one of the greatest sources of strength and genuine connection. It’s the raw honesty of showing our true selves, imperfections and all, to others. However, many find it challenging to make space for vulnerability in their lives. Here’s how you can begin to cultivate it and foster deeper connections with the people you long to share it with.

    1. Understand the Power of Vulnerability: Recognize that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but rather an act of courage. It requires self-awareness, acceptance, and a willingness to step out of your comfort zone.

    2. Practice Self-Compassion: Start by being kind to yourself. Embrace your flaws and acknowledge that making mistakes is a part of being human. Treat yourself with the same empathy and understanding that you would offer to a friend in need.

    3. Cultivate Trust: Vulnerability thrives in an environment of trust. Surround yourself with supportive and non-judgmental individuals who create a safe space for you to express yourself freely.

    4. Start Small: Begin by sharing your thoughts and feelings with trusted friends or family members. Start with low-risk situations and gradually work your way up to more vulnerable conversations as you become more comfortable.

    5. Practice Active Listening: Foster vulnerability in your relationships by being an attentive listener. Create opportunities for others to open up by demonstrating empathy and understanding.

    6. Set Boundaries: It’s essential to establish healthy boundaries to protect yourself emotionally. Be discerning about whom you share your vulnerabilities with and avoid oversharing with those who may not respect your boundaries.

    7. Seek Professional Help: If past experiences or trauma make it challenging for you to be vulnerable, consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor. Professional support can help you navigate and heal from past wounds, making it easier to embrace vulnerability in your life.

    8. Reflect on Your Desires: Are there particular people you long to share more vulnerability with? Reflect on why these connections are significant to you and what fears or barriers may be holding you back from opening up to them.

    9. Initiate Honest Conversations: Take the initiative to start open and honest conversations with those you wish to share more vulnerability with. Express your desire for deeper connection and ask if they’re open to engaging in more vulnerable dialogue.

    10. Be Patient and Persistent: Building the courage to be vulnerable is a journey that takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself and others as you navigate this process, and don’t be discouraged by setbacks or moments of discomfort.

    Learning to make space for vulnerability in your life is a transformative journey that can lead to deeper connections and a greater sense of authenticity. By understanding the power of vulnerability, cultivating trust, practicing self-compassion, and setting boundaries, you can create a supportive environment that allows you to express your true self openly and authentically.

  • Navigating Spiritual Abuse and Rediscovering Faith: My Journey of Healing

    In the realm of family dynamics, the influence of faith and spirituality can be both a source of comfort and a tool for manipulation. For many, the family serves as the primary vessel through which religious beliefs are transmitted. However, when those beliefs are used to control and manipulate, the effects can be deeply damaging. This is the story of my journey through spiritual abuse within my family of origin, how I broke free from its grip, and how I eventually found healing and renewed faith.

    Growing up in a family where faith was central, I was raised to revere authority figures, especially those within the religious context. In my family, it was instilled in me that anyone with “authority” over me was essentially speaking God’s word. This belief set the stage for an environment where unquestioning obedience was expected, and deviation from family-defined norms was met with guilt and shame. The lines between divine guidance and personal agendas blurred, leaving me vulnerable to manipulation.

    As a young girl, I experienced a form of spiritual abuse that messed with my perspective on forgiveness and self-worth. Despite Catholic teachings about confession and redemption, I was made to believe that my mistakes were somehow beyond forgiveness, that my sins were an unshakable mark of shame. This led me to constantly feel this overwhelming pressure to be flawless, to maintain this image of perfection that was impossible to uphold. But as humans do, I made mistakes along the way, and each time I stumbled, it felt like the world was crashing down. I couldn’t escape this feeling of worthlessness and irredeemability, like I was just a lost cause. Breaking free from that mindset has been a journey, one that involves reshaping my understanding of spirituality and self-acceptance.

    One of the most damaging aspects of my experience was the misuse of scripture as a means of control. My family would selectively extract verses to reinforce their ideals and manipulate me into conforming to their vision of what my life should be. This manipulation often took the form of guilt-inducing messages, leaving me feeling spiritually obligated to adhere to their expectations. This ultimately led me to a point where I stopped attending Mass altogether, unable to bear the weight of their skewed interpretations of faith.

    Recognizing the toxicity of the situation, I realized the importance of setting healthy boundaries with family members who were intent on molding me into a role that didn’t align with my authentic self. It was a challenging and necessary step to redefine the boundaries of our relationship, asserting my autonomy and refusing to be constrained by their expectations. This process was both liberating and painful, as I confronted the discomfort of asserting my own beliefs and values.

    Walking away from the abuse was just the first step. Over time, I began to rebuild my relationship with God on my terms. Slowly, I started attending Mass again, this time with a newfound sense of agency. But it was through the Alpha program that I truly began to deconstruct the distorted perspectives of how Christianity should be practiced. Alpha provided a safe space to ask questions, challenge assumptions, and rediscover spirituality in an authentic and transformative way.

    My journey through spiritual abuse within my family of origin was marked by manipulation, control, and the courage to break free. The conditioning that led me to equate authority with divine truth proved to be a tangled web that required careful unraveling. Through the process of setting boundaries and seeking healing, I learned that faith is a deeply personal journey—one that should empower and uplift, rather than restrict and confine.

    If you find yourself entangled in a similar situation, remember that you have the right to define your relationship with God, and your faith, on your terms. Setting boundaries with family members who seek to shape your identity is an act of self-preservation and a step towards reclaiming your autonomy. Just as I found healing and renewed faith through the Alpha program, there are resources available to help you navigate your own journey towards spiritual freedom and authentic connection.

  • Navigating Boundaries: A Personal Reflection on Parental Involvement in Marriage

    Marriage is a union between two people who are committed to share their lives, hopes, and dreams. While family plays an essential role in our lives, it’s crucial to maintain healthy boundaries to ensure the growth and harmony of the marital relationship. Unfortunately, not all parents fully understand the importance of these boundaries, as evidenced by personal experiences like that of my own with my family of origin.

    I met my husband when I was working as a bartender at my father’s tavern. My husband knew my father before he met me. Prior to our marriage, my husband and father had shared a friendship that spanned several years. Their bond was built on shared experiences, laughter, and trust. My dad witnessed the budding romance between my husband and me. He was there during the early stages of our relationship, often giving advice and support (sometimes whether we wanted it or not).

    However, as our relationship evolved into marriage, the dynamics shifted. I had not yet confronted the trauma and lack of boundaries in my childhood. Family enmeshment was normal to me, I didn’t know any different. I was not fully aware of the controlling behaviors my parents displayed in my childhood, nor was I keen to recognize they had carried over into my adulthood. My father’s investment in my relationship with my husband led to his desire to maintain the same level of involvement, and control, as he had before my marriage.

    My husband, now a partner in our marital union, had naturally assumed the role of being my primary source of support, understanding, and companionship. My parents struggled to adjust to this change. In their mind I was obligated to put my family of origin first. They believed that because they had always been the ones to provide support and advice they should be entitled to continue doing so. The entry of a new figure into this role proved to be challenging to reconcile. I was often caught in the middle, torn between my loyalty to my husband and the implied obligation to my parents.

    As events unfolded regarding my childhood trauma, tensions began to rise. My parents involvement in my marriage, and in my husband’s and my decision-making processes, became a source of contention. My husband felt his role as my spouse was being undermined. After many difficult conversations between us, I finally understood how he felt in the early years of our marriage; that I had given up too much control to my parents and still continued to defer to them out of perceived guilt or obligation..

    The Challenge of Overinvolved Parents:

    In my case, my father had expressed a strong desire to be actively involved in my marriage, often going beyond the lines of respectful involvement. He believes he has the right to interfere, making demands for me to confess my personal struggles or share details about my relationship, our finances, and how we raise our children. This behavior reflects a belief in his entitlement to control aspects of my life that should rightly remain between my partner and me.

    Respecting Boundaries: A Two-Way Street:

    Respecting boundaries is a two-way street that involves both parties acknowledging and honoring each other’s personal space, decisions, and privacy. While parents naturally worry about their children’s well-being, it’s essential for them to understand that adulthood and marriage mark a transition to independent life choices. As adults, we deserve the autonomy to make decisions about our relationships, without feeling obligated to share every detail with our parents.

    There are struggles in my marriage that are private. The matters my husband and I discuss, the arguments we have, the issues we have faced, are between us. I must respect my husband’s wishes to keep certain aspects of our marriage private. This decision helps us protect and nurture our relationship and create an environment of trust and openness between us. Our priority is to strengthen our connection and keep external influences out of our marriage.

    Communication is Key:

    Addressing such a delicate situation with parents requires open and honest communication. Expressing how their behavior affects you and your relationship can help parents understand the impact of their actions. Sharing your perspective calmly and assertively can pave the way for them to acknowledge your feelings and hopefully, adjust their behavior accordingly.

    Setting Healthy Boundaries:

    Setting boundaries is not about pushing parents away, but rather about defining what is acceptable and respectful behavior. Boundaries are personal limits that we set for ourselves in various areas of our lives, including relationships, emotions, time, and physical space. Boundaries are essential for maintaining our own well-being, self-respect and healthy relationships.

    If conversations fail to yield positive results and parents continue to overstep boundaries, consider seeking the support of a therapist or counselor. They can offer guidance on navigating these complex family dynamics and help both you and your parents understand each other’s perspectives better.

    Balancing the roles of being a spouse and a child can be challenging, especially when dealing with parents who struggle to respect personal boundaries. It’s essential to remember that building a successful marriage requires space, trust, and autonomy. Through open communication and a commitment to fostering healthy boundaries, we can strive for a harmonious coexistence that respects the sanctity of both our marital and familial relationships. While it’s undeniable that parents hold a special place in our lives, it’s equally important to respect the boundaries that come with adulthood and the establishment of new families. As we navigate this delicate terrain, remember that open communication, assertiveness, and a united front with your partner can help set and reinforce these boundaries.

  • Navigating Toxic Family Dynamics: Breaking Free from Harmful Expectations

    Family is often thought of as a sanctuary of love and support, a place where individuals find solace and encouragement. However, not all families fit this idyllic image. Toxic families are characterized by harmful patterns of behavior, communication, and expectations that can have a profound impact on the mental and emotional well-being of their members, particularly children. In this post, we’ll delve into the rules and expectations toxic families often place on their children, the effects these dynamics can have, and strategies for overcoming the challenges they present.

    The Rules and Expectations of Toxic Families

    Toxic families often exhibit distinct rules and expectations that create an environment marked by emotional manipulation, control, and unrealistic demands. These rules can include:

    1. Silence and Secrecy: In many toxic families, open communication about problems or concerns is discouraged or even forbidden. Children are often taught to keep family issues hidden from outsiders, fostering a sense of isolation and preventing the healing process.
    2. Unrealistic Perfectionism: Toxic families may place an unhealthy emphasis on perfectionism, expecting children to excel in every area of their lives without room for mistakes or failures. This pressure can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and a distorted sense of self-worth.
    3. Emotional Blackmail: Emotional manipulation is a hallmark of toxic family dynamics. Children may be guilt-tripped into conforming to the family’s wishes, often resulting in individuals sacrificing their own needs and aspirations to please their parents or other family members.
    4. Control and Micromanagement: Children in toxic families often find their choices and decisions micromanaged by parents who seek to exert control over their lives. This lack of autonomy can stifle personal growth and lead to feelings of resentment and rebellion.
    5. Invalidation of Feelings: Toxic families may undermine the emotions and experiences of their children, dismissing their feelings as insignificant or even irrational. This can result in children doubting their own perceptions and struggling to establish healthy emotional boundaries.

    The Effects on Children

    The consequences of growing up in a toxic family can be profound and long-lasting:

    1. Low Self-Esteem: Constant criticism and unrealistic expectations can erode a child’s self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
    2. Anxiety and Depression: The chronic stress of navigating toxic family dynamics can contribute to the development of anxiety and depression, as well as other mental health issues.
    3. Difficulty in Relationships: Children who have grown up in toxic families may struggle with forming and maintaining healthy relationships, as they may lack the skills to set boundaries and communicate effectively.
    4. Repeating Patterns: Individuals from toxic families are at risk of perpetuating these harmful patterns in their own lives and families, unless they actively work to break the cycle.

    Overcoming Toxic Family Dynamics

    Breaking free from toxic family dynamics is a challenging journey, but it is possible with determination and support:

    1. Seek External Support: If you’re in a toxic family situation, seeking help from a therapist, counselor, or support group can provide you with a safe space to process your feelings and develop coping strategies.
    2. Establish Boundaries: Learning to set healthy boundaries is crucial. Recognize that it’s okay to prioritize your well-being and say no to unreasonable demands.
    3. Build a Supportive Network: Cultivate relationships with friends, mentors, and positive role models who can provide emotional support and guidance.
    4. Develop Self-Compassion: Practice self-compassion and challenge the negative self-talk that toxic family dynamics may have instilled in you.
    5. Work on Personal Growth: Engage in activities that help you discover your interests and passions, fostering a sense of autonomy and self-discovery.
    6. Therapeutic Techniques: Techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you reframe negative thought patterns and develop healthier coping strategies.

    In Conclusion

    Toxic family dynamics can cast a shadow over one’s life, but they don’t have to define it. By recognizing the harmful rules and expectations, understanding their effects, and taking proactive steps to break free, individuals can find the strength to overcome the challenges posed by toxic families. Remember, healing takes time, and seeking professional support can be a crucial step on the path to emotional well-being and personal growth.

  • Just. This.

    I had taken a much needed break from blogging shortly after my last post. The holidays are a little rough on me this year. Thanksgiving was a simple dinner at home, and I prepared the house for Christmas a few days after that. My usual anxieties popped up and I made the conscious decision to just deal with it.

    I’m trying to recognize my patterns- mental, emotional and physical, so that I can change what isn’t working and maintain the routines that help me feel good about myself. If I’m completely honest, I do love the holiday season, but I also tend to shut down when I know I must face certain things that are uncomfortable or traumatic.

    In having a conversation with my husband, he mentioned that my mood changes drastically in the days leading up to Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter when I know I will see my parents and siblings. I denied this for many years. I blamed the stress of marriage, raising kids and my job, instead of being honest with myself. The truth is, I don’t like celebrating holidays with my extended family because of the past traumas I endured.

    As a trained people-pleaser, I have always felt that I’ve never been able to meet my father’s expectations. I ‘have believed that I deserved my mother’s criticism of my life choices or parenting style. Instead of addressing these problems head on I always avoided confrontation. I rarely, if ever, spoke up about how their behaviors affected me.

    As the oldest child I was parentified very early in childhood and took on responsibilities for my brothers and sister that should have been reserved for adults. I have slowly started to acknowledge that I have resentment towards them. As a teenager, I was always told by my parents that I had to be responsible, I had to help them with my siblings because they both worked outside the home, they needed me to be mature and take on their roles as parents in their absence.

    You can imagine how my siblings must have felt when my parents put me in charge. I had no understanding of what they were asking me to do, and my brothers and sister believed they “didn’t have to listen” to me because I’m not their mother. But when chores didn’t get done, I was the one my parents punished. We fought constantly. I knew that if they didn’t do their fair share, I’d be in trouble. They knew it, too. If things were a mess they knew I’d take the heat. So naturally, I did their chores, too.

    “You’re the oldest, you need to help them. You’re smarter, they don’t know any better. Just do it if they can’t.”

    That’s a tall order for a 15-year-old girl. It was infuriating, too. I didn’t have a childhood. My siblings did. They had no responsibilities so long as I lived in that house. This is one of the reasons why I moved out as fast as I could after turning eighteen. I needed to escape. I needed to live my own life. I needed to be free from parenting my siblings.

    They don’t see it the same way. They see me as a control freak, someone who has trouble letting loose and just having fun. They accuse me of being tightly wound. I’ve been accused of abandoning them when I moved out, when the reality is I had too many expectations placed on me and I needed to flee for my own sanity.

    It’s true, I have control issues. I’m OCD about cleaning my house. I don’t let the dishes pile up in the sink. I vacuum daily. I make my kids clean their own rooms and do chores. I’ve been criticized as being too tough on my kids by certain family members. This used to upset me, but then I remember they don’t clean their houses the way I do, because they never had to when we all lived in the same house. I was the house keeper.

    I’ve mentioned this to my parents and siblings before and have been met with outrage. They don’t remember how I did the dishes almost daily. They don’t remember the laundry I did for myself and for the rest of my family. How I cleaned toilets and cleaned out the refrigerator. And having a parent who can’t throw anything away made it very difficult for me. Instead they have gaslighted me or told me they don’t remember it happening that way, but they were 14, 12 and 6 when I moved out. I still struggle with these traumas today.

    My husband tells me I have an obsession with cleaning and purging. I am constantly throwing things away. I go through phases of overwhelming urges to get rid of things, followed by moments where I hang on to things that have memories attached. It’s a nightmare. It’s like having a split personality. The OCD side of me is enraged when the house is a mess. The part of me raised by a pack rat wants to save things in case I forget the happy memories associated with the item. Can you imagine the fight inside my brain?

    This is why I spend days cleaning my house for holidays. It’s almost as if I have to prove my worth by how clean my house is and how nice it looks. And then when family arrives, I am so keyed up from stress and anxiety that I want them to leave immediately. I battle myself quietly, trying to tell myself it’s all okay, and things will be fine. It’s still a struggle.

    Therapy has helped with some of this. I have recognized that I’m not at fault for my obsessive tendencies. It’s hard to break free from something ingrained in you as a child. I have learned to acknowledge it, to accept it and to consciously work on changing my habits. It’s not easy. To be honest it’s awful sometimes, but I’m doing the best I can.

    One of the skills I adopted during these moments is mindfulness and meditation. I have learned to be honest about what is happening inside my brain. It’s challenging. It’s also beautiful. One of the mantras I use when meditating is to say the words, “Just. This.” I repeat this phrase to remind myself that what is happening in the present moment is what matters. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Today. Present moment.

    I acknowledge my shortcomings I allow myself grace. I accept myself and others for who we are. I forgive myself for allowing others to guilt, shame, manipulate or control me. I forgive others for their mistreatment of me. And I focus on just this, a mantra to carry with me in my daily life.

  • For Good

    Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

    – Jessica Howell

    I haven’t written about therapy or my family in a long time. I have finally come to accept that they will never acknowledge their treatment of me, nor will they apologize for pain they have caused.

    In September, my father asked me to put my “grievances” in a letter. His exact words were, “Send it in a letter and put time frames together because I think I will need time to digest.”

    I haven’t heard from him since. He hasn’t responded to subsequent emails and he didn’t attend my son’s confirmation Mass last Sunday. My mom said he was sick. That may be true. It also might be an excuse not to face me. I suppose I won’t know the truth.

    I’ve been distant with my siblings for awhile. I feel that I’m now an outsider. I am quite fine with it, I suppose. My life has been far less stressful and I’ve experienced fewer anxiety attacks.

    I don’t know if I’ll ever reconcile with my family of origin. I don’t know if I want to reunite. I do know that I won’t tolerate manipulation, guilt or shame for doing what’s best for me.

    Over the weekend when seeing the musical Wicked with friends, I had a moment of sorrow wash over me. It was during the song, For Good, that I was suddenly sad.

    I thought about how much my mother would have enjoyed the show. Actually, she would have hated paying “too much” for a ticket, but I know she would have loved the music, costumes, and stage design as much as I did.

    I was emotional thinking about the time I’ve lost since this family “trouble” began. I started to miss my dysfunctional family, and that feeling made me question my own sanity, because my family relationships have fallen apart.

    But then I realized that while I’m no longer involved with my family, it was my choice to distance myself, and I needed to walk away from anyone that doesn’t love me unconditionally.

    What I’ve gained in the process is self-worth, confidence, and healthy friendships. I have invited people into my life who have similar values. I have found people who see the good in me, always, instead of trying to fix me, or control me.

    I’ve heard it said
    That people come into our lives for a reason
    Bringing something we must learn
    And we are led
    To those who help us most to grow
    If we let them
    And we help them in return
    Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
    But I know I’m who I am today
    Because I knew you

    Listening to these lyrics helped me realize that better things have fallen together for me. I have found friendships that are meaningful with people who love my personality. These friends don’t hesitate to congratulate me on my successes, tell me I’m beautiful (inside and out), or acknowledge my feelings.

    And just to clear the air
    I ask forgiveness
    For the things I’ve done you blame me for
    But then, I guess we know there’s blame to share
    And none of it seems to matter anymore

    I’m choosing to forgive my family. I’m choosing to love them unconditionally. I’m choosing to forgive myself and move forward in the way that serves my best interests. I’m choosing to make myself a priority and to surround myself with people I love, who love me, too.

    During the last verse of the song my friend Kat leaned over and gave me a side hug. I’m so grateful to have her in my life. New friends can never replace my family, but they definitely come close. The best part is I get to choose who I let into my life.

    Things fall apart so that better things fall together. And I’ve been changed for the better.

    I do believe I have been changed for the better
    And because I knew you
    Because I knew you
    Because I knew you
    I have been changed
    For good

  • Living My Values

    I’ve always envied people who are fortunate enough to know who they are and the values that are most important to them. They know how to make decisions because their values guide them. They are confident and comfortable with themselves.

    But what about the rest of us, the ones who feel clueless and adrift in life?

    We live in a world of intense distraction. We are pulled in many directions. We are navigating mental pollution, and in the process, we have lost touch with what really matters to us.

    I often feel like I’m living my life on autopilot. I sometimes make decisions passively, in the rush of daily life, with no time to reflect on what I truly want or what’s most important to me.

    Somewhere amidst all the chaos I found myself asking, what are my values? And, do my values belong to me, or have I inherited someone else’s?

    In my therapy journey I’ve had to strip down to the core values in which I was raised. I’ve examined my beliefs. I’ve opened my heart and mind to other ways of thinking. It’s a very terrifying experience, but also necessary.

    I realized how tightly I had clung to what I was taught as a child, but never really examined why I aligned myself with any of it. The difficult part was discovering how challenging it is to let go of what’s familiar and embrace what’s true for me.

    Through self-awareness, I’ve learned to let go of what doesn’t serve my life. I discovered that I don’t always agree with the beliefs or politics that have been passed on to me. I hid what I truly believed and suppressed my opinions to avoid confrontation or judgment.

    I am giving up the values and beliefs that do not belong to me and taking ownership of my own values.

    We all have core values, whether we’re aware of them or not. They remain with us for most of our lives. They sometimes shift and change over time, but mostly remain stable throughout our lives.

    After many months of self-reflection and learning how to re-parent my inner child, I realized that I need to identify my values.

    To begin this process, I asked these questions:

    • What matters most to me?
    • What do I stand for?
    • What am I made of?
    • What are my values?
    • How do I know my actions and decisions reflect my values?

    This morning I came across a quote from Michelle Obama that resonated with me:

    “I have learned that as long as I hold fast to my beliefs and values, and follow my own moral compass, then the only expectations I need to live up to are my own.”

    As I read these words over and over, I asked an important question. How can I live up to my own expectations?

    Suddenly, I had an answer. I need to live my values.

    Identifying my values is the goal for the remainder of 2021. Living my values is the goal for 2022 and beyond.

    If you’re feeling the way I do and want to jump on board the values train, stay tuned for my weekly blog post on this topic. Let’s learn and grow together.

  • Leaving the Dysfunction

    What happens when you distance yourself from your dysfunctional or narcissistic family?

    You begin to heal. And it’s painful.

    You feel as though you had been asleep your whole life, and suddenly you’re awake.

    You begin to see things from another perspective. You see things for what they truly are. You notice behavior that you previously ignored in order to survive.

    It’s brutal.

    You come face to face with a reality that changes everything you thought you knew about yourself and your life.

    You face the truth. You realize you have little to no self-esteem, self-confidence or self-worth, and you were groomed to believe these false truths.

    My narcissistic family demanded that I be agreeable, compliant, and subservient. I was never taught how to love and accept myself. I was taught to hate myself for being a normal, imperfect human being. When you’re the child of a narcissist, you question every decision you make because you’ve been taught you can’t trust yourself or your instincts.

    When you’ve been abused this way for decades, it leaves a painful mark on your life. You’ve always felt lonely and unsupported. You soon realize the person you loved and trusted is actively trying to sabotage your life and your happiness.

    After going no contact with a narcissistic family, it soon becomes very clear that you were always alone, you just didn’t know it.

  • On Being Told to Let It Go

    I had a realization this morning that has me thinking about this journey I’m on.

    Some people are uncomfortable with me sharing my truth. It makes them nervous. It forces them to realize that I will no longer cover for them.

    In the past, I always tried to be a peacemaker. I avoided conflict.

    That doesn’t work for me anymore.

    I’m not going to ignore the badmouthing behind my back. I’m not going to “just let it go.”

    If calling someone out on their bad behavior upsets them, perhaps they should shut their big mouths.

    If they don’t want me telling the truth about the abuse they continue to perpetuate, perhaps they should stop abusing me and seek therapy.

    The perfect family image was shattered years ago. This dysfunction continues because they let it continue.

    I cut myself off from these people for a reason. It’s not healthy for me to be with them.

    The anxiety and panic attacks are unbearable. I don’t want to live my life walking on eggshells because certain people feel entitled to control me or treat me poorly.

    “But they’re your family…”

    I hear this quite often from people who are close to my family members. It makes me wonder if they’ve been recruited to hoover me back into the dysfunction. Every time I hear it, this is my response:

    So what?

    Does being family mean they are entitled to treat me however they want? Does being family mean I’m obligated to tolerate it?

    These people have no idea what I’ve been through. Until they’ve walked in my shoes they don’t get to give me their advice.

    The people-pleaser inside me was always terrified to ruffle feathers. Now she’s mad. She’s tired of being treated like she exists solely to make others happy or feel comfortable.

    Those who are uncomfortable with me speaking up and using my voice should really start looking inward to figure out why this bothers them. It’s not my job to heal their insecurities or fix their fragile egos.

    Maybe they need to “let it go.”

  • You Are Not At Fault

    We think during difficult times that we are at fault. Doing this makes sense because if we take the blame, maybe we can take control and do something about the situation.

    But could I really control the situations of my childhood? No.

    Did I really have the capacity to change things my parents did or did not do? No.

    It has taken me many months to finally accept that I can’t change my family members. I can’t make them see me. I can’t make them listen to me. I can’t make them love me. I can’t control what they do, say, think or feel.

    I can only change myself. I can decide what I will and will not tolerate.

    I am not responsible for the emotions and thoughts of others.

    I am not to blame when someone cannot accept or respect my boundaries.

    I am not at fault for abuse that I endured in my childhood. I was a child. The adults were supposed to protect me. They were supposed to meet my needs, not the other way around.

    If you’re going through difficult things with your dysfunctional family, please know that you are not at fault.