Hey Dana Jane

Tag: self-care

  • Understanding Triangulation: What It Is, How It Impacts Us, and How to Cope

    We’ve all been there—caught up in a situation where we’re feeling stuck between two people who aren’t getting along. Maybe it’s a family member, a colleague, or a friend. Someone might be telling you one side of a story, and then you hear the other person’s side, leaving you in the middle, uncertain of where you stand or what’s really going on. That feeling of being pulled in different directions is what’s called triangulation, and let me tell you, it can cause a lot of harm to relationships and your mental wellbeing.

    So, What Is Triangulation?

    Triangulation happens when one person drags a third person (you, in this case) into a conflict or issue that doesn’t necessarily concern you. This tactic typically happens when someone wants to avoid dealing directly with the person they have a problem with, so they go to someone else for validation, support, or to try to get them to take sides. Instead of directly communicating, the issue is distorted and passed around, like a game of telephone.

    It’s not just a family issue. Triangulation can happen in any setting—whether at work, with friends, or at home. It’s basically an unhealthy communication strategy used to manipulate, control, or get a particular outcome.

    Examples of Triangulation

    Family Perspective: Let’s say you’ve got a family member, we’ll call them Person A, who has an ongoing issue with another family member, Person B. Instead of talking things through directly with Person B, Person A decides to approach you, trying to get you to side with them. They might say things like, “I just don’t get why Person B does this to me. What do you think?”

    Now, you’re stuck in the middle, unsure of what to say. If you agree with Person A, you’re reinforcing their perspective without fully understanding the other side. If you try to take the neutral route, it might come across as picking sides anyway. Either way, the situation becomes more complicated and creates tension between you, Person A, and Person B.

    Workplace Perspective: Triangulation can be a nightmare in the workplace. Maybe you’ve seen it: A colleague complains about a manager or another team member to you, pulling you into their grievances. Instead of directly addressing the issue with the person they’re upset with, they try to get your sympathy, possibly in an attempt to win you over or get you to agree with their side. Now, you’re not only feeling uncomfortable but possibly in the middle of a situation that could affect your work dynamics, too. It creates division, mistrust, and undermines teamwork.

    The Harm It Causes

    Triangulation doesn’t just make you feel awkward—it can really harm relationships, both personal and professional. Here are some of the issues that arise when triangulation is at play:

    1. Miscommunication: Because you’re only hearing one side of the story, there’s a lot of room for misunderstanding. You don’t get the full picture, and things can get distorted, making it harder to figure out what’s really going on.
    2. Toxic Relationships: Triangulation creates an unhealthy dynamic where people don’t communicate directly. Instead, there’s secrecy, manipulation, and a breakdown of trust. Over time, it can chip away at the foundation of the relationship.
    3. Stress and Anxiety: When you’re caught in the middle, it can feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You worry about saying the wrong thing or making people upset. The constant stress of being a go-between can take a toll on your mental health.
    4. Disempowerment: If you’re always being dragged into conflicts, you may start to feel like your own voice and opinion don’t matter. Your role is reduced to being a pawn in someone else’s drama, and that can be incredibly disempowering.
    5. Division: In families and workplaces, triangulation creates sides, which causes division. People become more focused on taking sides or seeking validation than working together to resolve the issue at hand.

    How to Cope With Triangulation

    1. Set Boundaries: This is key. Whether at work or in your personal life, make it clear that you’re not comfortable being pulled into someone else’s conflict. Politely but firmly tell the person that you’re not the right person to talk to about the situation and encourage them to speak directly to the person involved.
    2. Be Neutral: If you find yourself in the middle of triangulation, try to remain neutral. Don’t take sides, and avoid making judgments based on incomplete information. If necessary, redirect the conversation back to the person they have the issue with.
    3. Encourage Direct Communication: One of the best ways to stop triangulation is by promoting direct communication between the parties involved. Gently suggest that the person who is upset speak directly to the person they’re having an issue with, rather than involving you.
    4. Don’t Get Emotional: Triangulation can be emotionally manipulative, but it’s important not to get caught up in the emotions of the situation. Keep your feelings in check and don’t let anyone use you to get a reaction out of others.
    5. Seek Support: If you’re dealing with triangulation, it’s helpful to talk to someone you trust. It could be a therapist, a friend, or a colleague who isn’t involved in the situation. Talking it out helps you process your feelings and avoid internalizing the stress of being in the middle.

    Final Thoughts

    Triangulation may seem like a small issue, but it can spiral into something bigger, affecting not only the relationships of the people directly involved but also your own emotional health. Whether at home or at work, it’s important to recognize triangulation when it happens and take steps to protect yourself. Open, honest, and direct communication is the key to avoiding it—and if you find yourself in the middle, it’s okay to step back, set boundaries, and prioritize your own peace of mind.

    If you’ve ever experienced triangulation, I’d love to hear how you’ve handled it or any tips you might have for coping with it. Let’s talk about it!

  • When Growth Feels Like Betrayal: Navigating Family Dynamics During Personal Evolution

    Growth is beautiful. It’s messy, hard, and often uncomfortable, but it’s also deeply fulfilling. However, for those of us growing within dysfunctional family systems, personal evolution can feel like a betrayal—not of yourself, but of them. Suddenly, your pursuit of bettering your life becomes a mirror reflecting their insecurities, their stagnant choices, and their unresolved wounds.

    If you’ve heard phrases like “You think you’re better than us” or “You’re so perfect now,” you’re not alone. These words sting, but they reveal something deeper: their struggles, not yours. The truth is, your growth can disrupt the equilibrium in a family system that relies on everyone staying the same.

    I’ve been on my own personal growth journey for the last four years, and it may seem like a long time to some, but there’s so much to unpack from the baggage of my childhood. Therapy, self-awareness, and a ton of self-reflection has taught me a thing or two, and I’m happy to share these lessons with you.

    Understanding the Dynamics

    1. Projection
      What they accuse you of isn’t necessarily about you—it’s about them. When someone projects feelings of insecurity or failure onto you, it’s easier for them than facing their own discomfort.
    2. The Lack of Grace
      Families steeped in dysfunction often struggle to offer grace because it challenges the roles they’ve assigned. You’ve stepped out of the role they expect you to play—maybe it was “the helper,” “the black sheep,” or “the fixer.” Without that role, they don’t know how to interact with you.
    3. Emotional Outsourcing
      Dysfunctional families often expect one member to manage everyone’s emotions. By focusing on your own growth, you’re inadvertently signaling that you won’t carry that burden anymore, which can create tension.

    Coping Strategies

    1. Set Boundaries, Not Walls
      Boundaries are about protection, not punishment. Let your family know what behavior you will and won’t accept. For example, calmly responding with, “I don’t think it’s fair to assume I think I’m better than you just because I’m working on myself,” can gently reframe the conversation.
    2. Release the Need for Approval
      You don’t need their validation to continue growing. It’s okay if your journey makes others uncomfortable; you’re not responsible for their feelings. Focus on aligning your actions with your values, not their expectations.
    3. Practice Compassion Without Enabling
      While their behavior may hurt, it often stems from pain. Acknowledge their feelings without taking responsibility for them. Say things like, “I understand this is hard for you, but my growth is important to me.”
    4. Find Your Support System
      Surround yourself with people who celebrate your wins and hold space for your struggles. Whether it’s friends, a mentor, or a therapist, having a safe space to process emotions is vital.
    5. Forgive Without Forgetting
      Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning harmful behavior. It means freeing yourself from resentment so you can move forward unburdened. But forgiveness doesn’t erase the need for accountability or boundaries.

    Moving Forward

    When you’re not given grace, give it to yourself. When they don’t allow you to fail, remind yourself it’s okay to stumble. When they try to pull you into old patterns, stand firm in your growth.

    Your journey is yours alone, and it’s okay if it doesn’t fit their narrative. Keep evolving, even if it means walking a lonely path for a while. Growth doesn’t mean leaving them behind—it means choosing yourself without abandoning them. Whether they join you on this journey or stay behind, your responsibility is to yourself first.

    Remember: You’re not growing to prove them wrong. You’re growing to become who you’re meant to be. That is reason enough.

  • “Take Space,” They Said. “Sit in Your Own Energy,” They Said. But What Does It All Mean?

    Have you ever felt like the health and wellness world is speaking in a code only decipherable by crystal-clutching yogis and smoothie enthusiasts? Phrases like “take space,” “create space,” and “sit in your own energy” sound deep, but they also sound like something a self-help guru would chant before disappearing into a puff of sage smoke.

    Don’t get me wrong—I’m all for self-care. But when someone tells me to “create space,” I’m left wondering: do I need to move furniture? Is this a Marie Kondo thing? Or is it like, emotional feng shui?

    So, because I’m a curious soul (and frankly, a bit tired of pretending I know what anyone’s talking about), I decided to decode these mystical phrases for the rest of us mere mortals.

    1. Take Space

    Translation: Go sit in a corner and ignore everyone.
    Apparently, “taking space” is wellness-speak for saying, “Leave me alone so I can drink my coffee in peace.” It’s about carving out time just for yourself, away from your kids, coworkers, or that chatty neighbor who somehow knows when you’re trying to relax.

    Practical Example: Lock yourself in the bathroom and pretend you’re constipated for 20 minutes. Boom. Space taken.

    2. Create Space

    Translation: Clean up your house. Or your brain. Or both.
    This one is trickier because it’s vague on purpose. “Create space” could mean decluttering your living room. It could mean breaking up with that friend who never Venmos you back. It might even mean throwing out your guilt about binge-watching reality TV. The possibilities are endless, and that’s the point: you decide what needs space in your life and what needs to go.

    Practical Example: Toss out those skinny jeans you’re never wearing again. That’s “creating space” and being honest with yourself.

    3. Sit in Your Own Energy

    Translation: Be awkwardly alone with your thoughts.
    This one’s a doozy. “Sit in your own energy” sounds like the wellness version of being grounded for something. And honestly? It kind of is. The idea here is to stop distracting yourself with Instagram, Netflix, or five million tasks and just…exist. Feel your feelings. Think your thoughts. Maybe have a small existential crisis.

    Practical Example: Sit on your couch with no phone, no TV, and no distractions. Yes, it’s weird. Yes, you’ll survive.

    But Why?

    Okay, so now that we’ve translated the lingo, you might wonder: what’s the point of all this? Why do we need to “take space” or “sit in our energy” when we could just doom-scroll like normal people?

    Well, it turns out these practices are about mindfulness and self-care—just wrapped in a blanket of poetic language. They’re meant to help us slow down, reflect, and make space (there’s that word again) for the things that actually matter.

    Do they sound a bit pretentious? Sure. But when you break them down into everyday actions, they’re surprisingly doable. So the next time someone tells you to “take space,” just smile, nod, and go lock yourself in the bathroom. You’ve got this.

    And remember: it’s all just words—until you make it work for you.

  • The Doer’s Dilemma: Remembering Self-Care in the Chaos

    Hey there, fellow doers! You know who you are – the ones who always seem to have a never-ending to-do list, the go-getters, the fixers, the ones who somehow manage to keep everything together even when it feels like the world is falling apart. Yes, you, the unsung heroes of everyday life.

    Let’s talk about something that often gets overlooked in the hustle and bustle of constantly doing for others – self-care. Yep, that thing we all know we should be doing but often push to the bottom of our priorities because, well, there’s just so much to do, right?

    I get it. I’m guilty of it myself. As someone who tends to take on a lot and put others’ needs before my own, I know firsthand how easy it is to forget about self-care. But here’s the thing – neglecting ourselves in favor of taking care of others isn’t sustainable. Eventually, it catches up with us, leaving us feeling exhausted, burnt out, and frankly, not very effective at helping others.

    So, why do we do it? Why do we put our own needs on the back burner in favor of helping everyone else? Well, for starters, it’s often because we genuinely care about the people around us (or, if you’re like me, you were conditioned from a young age to believe your self-worth is tied to how much you do for others). Whether it’s family, friends, coworkers, or even strangers, we want to make a difference in their lives, and sometimes that means sacrificing our own well-being in the process.

    But here’s the reality check – we can’t pour from an empty cup. In other words, if we’re not taking care of ourselves, we’re not going to be able to effectively take care of others either. It’s like trying to drive a car without ever stopping to refuel – eventually, you’re going to run out of gas.

    So, how do we break the cycle of putting others first and neglecting ourselves? Well, it starts with a mindset shift. We need to recognize that self-care isn’t selfish – it’s necessary. Just like we wouldn’t expect a car to run without gas, we can’t expect ourselves to keep going without taking time to recharge.

    Self-care looks different for everyone, so it’s important to find what works best for you. Whether it’s carving out time for exercise, practicing mindfulness and meditation, indulging in a hobby you love, or simply taking a moment to breathe and relax, prioritize activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul.

    It’s also important to set boundaries and learn to say no when necessary. We can’t be everything to everyone, and that’s okay. Learning to prioritize our own needs doesn’t make us any less caring or compassionate – in fact, it makes us better able to show up for the people who need us most.

    So, to all the doers out there – keep doing what you do best, but don’t forget to take care of yourselves along the way. You deserve it, and trust me, the world will thank you for it.

  • The Art of Letting Go

    Today, amidst the chaos of my thoughts and the relentless pursuit of what I believe my life should resemble, I stumbled upon a profound realization: the art of letting go.

    “Just let go,” the words echoed in the caverns of my mind, resonating with a depth I had not encountered before. How often do we cling to the illusions of our desires, the meticulously crafted blueprints of our futures, only to find ourselves tangled in the intricate web of our expectations? How many times do we stubbornly hold onto the fragments of what we believe should be, blinding ourselves to the beauty of what actually is?

    In this moment of reflection, I am reminded of the inherent beauty in surrendering to the ebb and flow of life’s unpredictable currents. There is a certain grace in releasing the tight grip of control and allowing the universe to unfold its mysteries before me.

    “Let go of how you thought your life should be,” the whisper persists, urging me to release the shackles of preconceived notions and societal constructs that confine my spirit. It is a call to liberation, a liberation that stems from embracing the inherent fluidity of existence.

    And as I stand at the precipice of this revelation, I am met with the gentle embrace of acceptance. For in letting go of the illusions of my mind, I open myself to the infinite possibilities that dance on the horizon of my consciousness. I welcome the serendipitous encounters, the unforeseen twists and turns, knowing that each moment holds within it the potential for growth and transformation.

    So today, I choose to embrace the life that is trying to work its way into my consciousness. I surrender to the rhythm of the universe, allowing its symphony to guide me along the path of authenticity and self-discovery. And in this surrender, I find solace, for I am no longer bound by the constraints of expectation. Instead, I am free to wander the vast expanse of my existence, embracing each moment with an open heart and an unwavering trust in the journey that lies ahead.

  • Just. This.

    I had taken a much needed break from blogging shortly after my last post. The holidays are a little rough on me this year. Thanksgiving was a simple dinner at home, and I prepared the house for Christmas a few days after that. My usual anxieties popped up and I made the conscious decision to just deal with it.

    I’m trying to recognize my patterns- mental, emotional and physical, so that I can change what isn’t working and maintain the routines that help me feel good about myself. If I’m completely honest, I do love the holiday season, but I also tend to shut down when I know I must face certain things that are uncomfortable or traumatic.

    In having a conversation with my husband, he mentioned that my mood changes drastically in the days leading up to Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter when I know I will see my parents and siblings. I denied this for many years. I blamed the stress of marriage, raising kids and my job, instead of being honest with myself. The truth is, I don’t like celebrating holidays with my extended family because of the past traumas I endured.

    As a trained people-pleaser, I have always felt that I’ve never been able to meet my father’s expectations. I ‘have believed that I deserved my mother’s criticism of my life choices or parenting style. Instead of addressing these problems head on I always avoided confrontation. I rarely, if ever, spoke up about how their behaviors affected me.

    As the oldest child I was parentified very early in childhood and took on responsibilities for my brothers and sister that should have been reserved for adults. I have slowly started to acknowledge that I have resentment towards them. As a teenager, I was always told by my parents that I had to be responsible, I had to help them with my siblings because they both worked outside the home, they needed me to be mature and take on their roles as parents in their absence.

    You can imagine how my siblings must have felt when my parents put me in charge. I had no understanding of what they were asking me to do, and my brothers and sister believed they “didn’t have to listen” to me because I’m not their mother. But when chores didn’t get done, I was the one my parents punished. We fought constantly. I knew that if they didn’t do their fair share, I’d be in trouble. They knew it, too. If things were a mess they knew I’d take the heat. So naturally, I did their chores, too.

    “You’re the oldest, you need to help them. You’re smarter, they don’t know any better. Just do it if they can’t.”

    That’s a tall order for a 15-year-old girl. It was infuriating, too. I didn’t have a childhood. My siblings did. They had no responsibilities so long as I lived in that house. This is one of the reasons why I moved out as fast as I could after turning eighteen. I needed to escape. I needed to live my own life. I needed to be free from parenting my siblings.

    They don’t see it the same way. They see me as a control freak, someone who has trouble letting loose and just having fun. They accuse me of being tightly wound. I’ve been accused of abandoning them when I moved out, when the reality is I had too many expectations placed on me and I needed to flee for my own sanity.

    It’s true, I have control issues. I’m OCD about cleaning my house. I don’t let the dishes pile up in the sink. I vacuum daily. I make my kids clean their own rooms and do chores. I’ve been criticized as being too tough on my kids by certain family members. This used to upset me, but then I remember they don’t clean their houses the way I do, because they never had to when we all lived in the same house. I was the house keeper.

    I’ve mentioned this to my parents and siblings before and have been met with outrage. They don’t remember how I did the dishes almost daily. They don’t remember the laundry I did for myself and for the rest of my family. How I cleaned toilets and cleaned out the refrigerator. And having a parent who can’t throw anything away made it very difficult for me. Instead they have gaslighted me or told me they don’t remember it happening that way, but they were 14, 12 and 6 when I moved out. I still struggle with these traumas today.

    My husband tells me I have an obsession with cleaning and purging. I am constantly throwing things away. I go through phases of overwhelming urges to get rid of things, followed by moments where I hang on to things that have memories attached. It’s a nightmare. It’s like having a split personality. The OCD side of me is enraged when the house is a mess. The part of me raised by a pack rat wants to save things in case I forget the happy memories associated with the item. Can you imagine the fight inside my brain?

    This is why I spend days cleaning my house for holidays. It’s almost as if I have to prove my worth by how clean my house is and how nice it looks. And then when family arrives, I am so keyed up from stress and anxiety that I want them to leave immediately. I battle myself quietly, trying to tell myself it’s all okay, and things will be fine. It’s still a struggle.

    Therapy has helped with some of this. I have recognized that I’m not at fault for my obsessive tendencies. It’s hard to break free from something ingrained in you as a child. I have learned to acknowledge it, to accept it and to consciously work on changing my habits. It’s not easy. To be honest it’s awful sometimes, but I’m doing the best I can.

    One of the skills I adopted during these moments is mindfulness and meditation. I have learned to be honest about what is happening inside my brain. It’s challenging. It’s also beautiful. One of the mantras I use when meditating is to say the words, “Just. This.” I repeat this phrase to remind myself that what is happening in the present moment is what matters. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Today. Present moment.

    I acknowledge my shortcomings I allow myself grace. I accept myself and others for who we are. I forgive myself for allowing others to guilt, shame, manipulate or control me. I forgive others for their mistreatment of me. And I focus on just this, a mantra to carry with me in my daily life.

  • For Good

    Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

    – Jessica Howell

    I haven’t written about therapy or my family in a long time. I have finally come to accept that they will never acknowledge their treatment of me, nor will they apologize for pain they have caused.

    In September, my father asked me to put my “grievances” in a letter. His exact words were, “Send it in a letter and put time frames together because I think I will need time to digest.”

    I haven’t heard from him since. He hasn’t responded to subsequent emails and he didn’t attend my son’s confirmation Mass last Sunday. My mom said he was sick. That may be true. It also might be an excuse not to face me. I suppose I won’t know the truth.

    I’ve been distant with my siblings for awhile. I feel that I’m now an outsider. I am quite fine with it, I suppose. My life has been far less stressful and I’ve experienced fewer anxiety attacks.

    I don’t know if I’ll ever reconcile with my family of origin. I don’t know if I want to reunite. I do know that I won’t tolerate manipulation, guilt or shame for doing what’s best for me.

    Over the weekend when seeing the musical Wicked with friends, I had a moment of sorrow wash over me. It was during the song, For Good, that I was suddenly sad.

    I thought about how much my mother would have enjoyed the show. Actually, she would have hated paying “too much” for a ticket, but I know she would have loved the music, costumes, and stage design as much as I did.

    I was emotional thinking about the time I’ve lost since this family “trouble” began. I started to miss my dysfunctional family, and that feeling made me question my own sanity, because my family relationships have fallen apart.

    But then I realized that while I’m no longer involved with my family, it was my choice to distance myself, and I needed to walk away from anyone that doesn’t love me unconditionally.

    What I’ve gained in the process is self-worth, confidence, and healthy friendships. I have invited people into my life who have similar values. I have found people who see the good in me, always, instead of trying to fix me, or control me.

    I’ve heard it said
    That people come into our lives for a reason
    Bringing something we must learn
    And we are led
    To those who help us most to grow
    If we let them
    And we help them in return
    Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
    But I know I’m who I am today
    Because I knew you

    Listening to these lyrics helped me realize that better things have fallen together for me. I have found friendships that are meaningful with people who love my personality. These friends don’t hesitate to congratulate me on my successes, tell me I’m beautiful (inside and out), or acknowledge my feelings.

    And just to clear the air
    I ask forgiveness
    For the things I’ve done you blame me for
    But then, I guess we know there’s blame to share
    And none of it seems to matter anymore

    I’m choosing to forgive my family. I’m choosing to love them unconditionally. I’m choosing to forgive myself and move forward in the way that serves my best interests. I’m choosing to make myself a priority and to surround myself with people I love, who love me, too.

    During the last verse of the song my friend Kat leaned over and gave me a side hug. I’m so grateful to have her in my life. New friends can never replace my family, but they definitely come close. The best part is I get to choose who I let into my life.

    Things fall apart so that better things fall together. And I’ve been changed for the better.

    I do believe I have been changed for the better
    And because I knew you
    Because I knew you
    Because I knew you
    I have been changed
    For good

  • Living My Values

    I’ve always envied people who are fortunate enough to know who they are and the values that are most important to them. They know how to make decisions because their values guide them. They are confident and comfortable with themselves.

    But what about the rest of us, the ones who feel clueless and adrift in life?

    We live in a world of intense distraction. We are pulled in many directions. We are navigating mental pollution, and in the process, we have lost touch with what really matters to us.

    I often feel like I’m living my life on autopilot. I sometimes make decisions passively, in the rush of daily life, with no time to reflect on what I truly want or what’s most important to me.

    Somewhere amidst all the chaos I found myself asking, what are my values? And, do my values belong to me, or have I inherited someone else’s?

    In my therapy journey I’ve had to strip down to the core values in which I was raised. I’ve examined my beliefs. I’ve opened my heart and mind to other ways of thinking. It’s a very terrifying experience, but also necessary.

    I realized how tightly I had clung to what I was taught as a child, but never really examined why I aligned myself with any of it. The difficult part was discovering how challenging it is to let go of what’s familiar and embrace what’s true for me.

    Through self-awareness, I’ve learned to let go of what doesn’t serve my life. I discovered that I don’t always agree with the beliefs or politics that have been passed on to me. I hid what I truly believed and suppressed my opinions to avoid confrontation or judgment.

    I am giving up the values and beliefs that do not belong to me and taking ownership of my own values.

    We all have core values, whether we’re aware of them or not. They remain with us for most of our lives. They sometimes shift and change over time, but mostly remain stable throughout our lives.

    After many months of self-reflection and learning how to re-parent my inner child, I realized that I need to identify my values.

    To begin this process, I asked these questions:

    • What matters most to me?
    • What do I stand for?
    • What am I made of?
    • What are my values?
    • How do I know my actions and decisions reflect my values?

    This morning I came across a quote from Michelle Obama that resonated with me:

    “I have learned that as long as I hold fast to my beliefs and values, and follow my own moral compass, then the only expectations I need to live up to are my own.”

    As I read these words over and over, I asked an important question. How can I live up to my own expectations?

    Suddenly, I had an answer. I need to live my values.

    Identifying my values is the goal for the remainder of 2021. Living my values is the goal for 2022 and beyond.

    If you’re feeling the way I do and want to jump on board the values train, stay tuned for my weekly blog post on this topic. Let’s learn and grow together.

  • Finding Joy

    “Once we recognize what it is we are feeling, once we recognize we can feel deeply, love deeply, can feel joy, then we will demand that all parts of our lives produce that kind of joy.” – Audre Lorde

    I’ve been thinking about joy quite a bit lately. It seems that everyone is touting the motto, “Find your joy!” Perhaps this worldwide pandemic has not only forced us to change our routines, adapt our lives to the new rules, and give up our sense of normalcy, it also compelled us to reevaluate our thoughts, opinions and values.

    My own values have certainly changed. I no longer place much importance on what others think of me. There was a time in my life when I worried too much about the opinions of others and I allowed my need to please people control my decisions.

    I preferred to avoid conflict at all cost. I’d say yes when I really wanted to say no, and then resented whatever I agreed to do. A few months into the lockdown of 2020, I discovered that I didn’t have any problem saying no to things that didn’t make me feel good about myself. I didn’t feel obligated to give beyond my capacity.

    Perhaps not being face-to-face with others for so long helped me realize that no one is going to die if I don’t give in to their demands or expectations. Instead of worrying about my relationships with others I began to care more about the one I had with myself. If I’m being honest, it was a difficult thing to do at first. For too many years I believed that self-care was self-centered.

    Self-care isn’t selfish. Self-centered people tend to ignore the needs of others and only do what’s best for them, but this isn’t me. I take care of the needs of my husband and children, often sacrificing my own needs in the process. For the first time in my life I was forced to acknowledge that I’m important, too.

    A year ago I began to address the problems I had ignored for most of my life. I stopped denying traumatic childhood experiences. I no longer tolerated people disrespecting me. Through cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), I discovered that my anxiety and panic attacks weren’t things I needed to hide. I didn’t have to live in fear or denial.

    It’s not easy to talk about these things. I’ve shared my experiences slowly; first with close friends and later via social media. I stopped letting others silence me. Their judgment no longer had merit. I know that talking about what I endured has upset some people, but it’s helped countless others. Friends have come forward to say, “I’ve been through something similar,” and “you’re not alone.”

    It’s not easy to find happiness when you’re dealing with negative emotions, or negative people. Happiness can feel elusive when we’re focused on negative feelings. On the contrary, denying the negative emotions isn’t healthy. Acknowledging them, accepting them and then choosing to move forward is the best way to cope.

    Sometimes we convince ourselves that we don’t deserve happiness. In my own experience I grew up believing that it was my job to make everybody else happy. I took on responsibilities in my childhood that should have been taken care of by adults. If I did anything for myself I was accused of being selfish. I think that’s why I sometimes feel guilty when I spend time away from my children. I was made to believe that I had to sacrifice my own needs to care for others. But who takes care of me when I’m depleted? I have to care for myself before I can care for my family. I cannot ignore my own needs. It leads to resentment and that’s not fair to anyone.

    To find my joy, I started writing in a journal. I list what I’m grateful for each morning, and I look for the positive moments in my day. If negative thoughts pop up, I redirect myself. It helps. I wish it was automatic, this positivity, but it truly is a conscious effort. No one is happy all the time, but we can work toward happy moments each day.

    Another thing I do for myself is curl up with a good book before bed. I wait until the kids are asleep and the house is quiet and I read until I’m tired. It calms my anxiety and it’s a ritual that leads me to a better night of sleep. Instead of staring at my phone or watching mindless television, reading helps me relax.

    Yoga brings me joy, too. I love going to class, rolling out my mat and pausing my hectic life for one whole hour. I have a supportive instructor who always seems to feel what I’m feeling and helps me put my chaotic thoughts into perspective. I don’t know how I got through my days without yoga before I started my practice!

    There is joy to be found in many things, we just have to learn to look for it. What brings you joy?