Hey Dana Jane

Tag: Personal Growth

  • For Good

    Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

    – Jessica Howell

    I haven’t written about therapy or my family in a long time. I have finally come to accept that they will never acknowledge their treatment of me, nor will they apologize for pain they have caused.

    In September, my father asked me to put my “grievances” in a letter. His exact words were, “Send it in a letter and put time frames together because I think I will need time to digest.”

    I haven’t heard from him since. He hasn’t responded to subsequent emails and he didn’t attend my son’s confirmation Mass last Sunday. My mom said he was sick. That may be true. It also might be an excuse not to face me. I suppose I won’t know the truth.

    I’ve been distant with my siblings for awhile. I feel that I’m now an outsider. I am quite fine with it, I suppose. My life has been far less stressful and I’ve experienced fewer anxiety attacks.

    I don’t know if I’ll ever reconcile with my family of origin. I don’t know if I want to reunite. I do know that I won’t tolerate manipulation, guilt or shame for doing what’s best for me.

    Over the weekend when seeing the musical Wicked with friends, I had a moment of sorrow wash over me. It was during the song, For Good, that I was suddenly sad.

    I thought about how much my mother would have enjoyed the show. Actually, she would have hated paying “too much” for a ticket, but I know she would have loved the music, costumes, and stage design as much as I did.

    I was emotional thinking about the time I’ve lost since this family “trouble” began. I started to miss my dysfunctional family, and that feeling made me question my own sanity, because my family relationships have fallen apart.

    But then I realized that while I’m no longer involved with my family, it was my choice to distance myself, and I needed to walk away from anyone that doesn’t love me unconditionally.

    What I’ve gained in the process is self-worth, confidence, and healthy friendships. I have invited people into my life who have similar values. I have found people who see the good in me, always, instead of trying to fix me, or control me.

    I’ve heard it said
    That people come into our lives for a reason
    Bringing something we must learn
    And we are led
    To those who help us most to grow
    If we let them
    And we help them in return
    Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
    But I know I’m who I am today
    Because I knew you

    Listening to these lyrics helped me realize that better things have fallen together for me. I have found friendships that are meaningful with people who love my personality. These friends don’t hesitate to congratulate me on my successes, tell me I’m beautiful (inside and out), or acknowledge my feelings.

    And just to clear the air
    I ask forgiveness
    For the things I’ve done you blame me for
    But then, I guess we know there’s blame to share
    And none of it seems to matter anymore

    I’m choosing to forgive my family. I’m choosing to love them unconditionally. I’m choosing to forgive myself and move forward in the way that serves my best interests. I’m choosing to make myself a priority and to surround myself with people I love, who love me, too.

    During the last verse of the song my friend Kat leaned over and gave me a side hug. I’m so grateful to have her in my life. New friends can never replace my family, but they definitely come close. The best part is I get to choose who I let into my life.

    Things fall apart so that better things fall together. And I’ve been changed for the better.

    I do believe I have been changed for the better
    And because I knew you
    Because I knew you
    Because I knew you
    I have been changed
    For good

  • Living My Values

    I’ve always envied people who are fortunate enough to know who they are and the values that are most important to them. They know how to make decisions because their values guide them. They are confident and comfortable with themselves.

    But what about the rest of us, the ones who feel clueless and adrift in life?

    We live in a world of intense distraction. We are pulled in many directions. We are navigating mental pollution, and in the process, we have lost touch with what really matters to us.

    I often feel like I’m living my life on autopilot. I sometimes make decisions passively, in the rush of daily life, with no time to reflect on what I truly want or what’s most important to me.

    Somewhere amidst all the chaos I found myself asking, what are my values? And, do my values belong to me, or have I inherited someone else’s?

    In my therapy journey I’ve had to strip down to the core values in which I was raised. I’ve examined my beliefs. I’ve opened my heart and mind to other ways of thinking. It’s a very terrifying experience, but also necessary.

    I realized how tightly I had clung to what I was taught as a child, but never really examined why I aligned myself with any of it. The difficult part was discovering how challenging it is to let go of what’s familiar and embrace what’s true for me.

    Through self-awareness, I’ve learned to let go of what doesn’t serve my life. I discovered that I don’t always agree with the beliefs or politics that have been passed on to me. I hid what I truly believed and suppressed my opinions to avoid confrontation or judgment.

    I am giving up the values and beliefs that do not belong to me and taking ownership of my own values.

    We all have core values, whether we’re aware of them or not. They remain with us for most of our lives. They sometimes shift and change over time, but mostly remain stable throughout our lives.

    After many months of self-reflection and learning how to re-parent my inner child, I realized that I need to identify my values.

    To begin this process, I asked these questions:

    • What matters most to me?
    • What do I stand for?
    • What am I made of?
    • What are my values?
    • How do I know my actions and decisions reflect my values?

    This morning I came across a quote from Michelle Obama that resonated with me:

    “I have learned that as long as I hold fast to my beliefs and values, and follow my own moral compass, then the only expectations I need to live up to are my own.”

    As I read these words over and over, I asked an important question. How can I live up to my own expectations?

    Suddenly, I had an answer. I need to live my values.

    Identifying my values is the goal for the remainder of 2021. Living my values is the goal for 2022 and beyond.

    If you’re feeling the way I do and want to jump on board the values train, stay tuned for my weekly blog post on this topic. Let’s learn and grow together.

  • Empowerment: Taking Back Your Life

    After years of feeling powerless I have finally begun the process of taking ownership of my life. To control my life I must be responsible for it. The first part of taking responsibility is accepting it, instead of denying it exists.

    Abuse is about power, and when you’ve been manipulated and guilted for years, it’s not easy to take your power back. When I was dealing with conflict with my family members I often wondered why they were treating me so terribly. Why is this happening to me? How can they be so controlling?

    It’s easier to deny what’s happening, then you don’t have to deal with it. I can’t live in denial. It’s unhealthy and harmful.

    Now that I have acquired coping skills I choose to liberate myself. I get to choose. I am freeing myself from being a victim. I may not have control over the way others behave toward me, but I do have control over what I will and will not tolerate.

    Now I ask, what are my solutions? What am I going to do about this? Do I need to do anything about this?

    Empowerment is a choice. It is accepting the realities that exist in the moment. Even if we do nothing, it’s important to realize that doing nothing is also a choice. Once you accept this you become “unstuck” and can create possibilities for yourself that didn’t previously exsist.

  • Goodbye Comfort Zone, Hello Personal Growth

    We’re all creatures of habit. While I like to think of myself as a free-willed, self-governing human being, sometimes it’s easier to do what’s familiar.

    This weekend I stepped out of my comfort zone. Way out. And it was life-changing.

    A friend of mine manages a local bar and advertised an event the bar sponsors called “Tour Da Point.” It’s a 13-mile bike ride that visits 6 different taverns in town. Since I like to ride my bike and because I’ve done 12 mile distances before, I decided to sign up.

    If I’m being completely honest, I was very nervous about it. I was signing up solo and wasn’t sure I’d know anyone in the group. I worried about being the slowest person in the road crew, and I worried about whether my bike was fancy enough. (Turns out I had nothing to worry about.)

    The group of around thirty riders varied in ages. There were college kids, thirty-somethings, forty-year-olds, and several experienced riders in their fifties and sixties. The inclusiveness of this event is what made it so fun. Everyone was supportive and friendly, and nobody judged anyone else.

    I learned some things about myself, too:

    1. Yes, I am the slowest of the bunch.

    But I’m strong. I didn’t quit. Even when I was panicking inside about being the last one in the line, nobody cared but me. Slow and steady wins the race, right? This wasn’t a race, however, and if anything, I was motivated to push myself a little harder.

    2. Not knowing everyone is a great incentive to meet new people.

    It turned out that I did know two other people in the group, and that helped me feel a little more at ease. In having conversations with them I was introduced to their friends and was brave enough to introduce myself to others. Confidence isn’t something we’re born with, but it’s definitely something we learn when we face our fears by trying new things.

    3. Stepping out of my comfort zone builds inner strength.

    Trying something new makes me uncomfortable, but what do I learn by doing the same thing everyday? Nothing. I put myself out there, I didn’t give up and I walked away with new friends and great memories. I’m ready to try other challenges now, too!

    4. I’m stronger than I think I am.

    While I’m no stranger to biking long distances, I’ve definitely avoided some of the tougher routes. I don’t usually bike hills, and this route had a few challenging ones. I realized that I was getting in my own way by worrying about how I looked, whether others were staring at me, or what people were thinking. I finally decided I didn’t care. I was going to push myself and use the gears on my bicycle. I got to the top and I was elated. It was hard. My legs were crying. But I freaking did it!

    At the end of our ride I realized that I had this illusion in my head that I couldn’t do it. I was subconsciously sabotaging myself. I was stopping my own growth. When I’m willing to free myself from my own mind and feel as uncomfortable as possible, that’s when real growth begins. My fear was a product of my own thoughts and I was the only person who had the power to destroy it.

    Step out of your comfort zone. You won’t regret it!