Hey Dana Jane

Tag: Marriage

  • The Great Thermostat War: A Tale of Hot Flashes and Frostbite

    Marriage is about love, compromise, and, apparently, waging all-out war over the thermostat.

    For years, The Huz and I lived in perfect(ish) harmony, mostly agreeing on things like where to eat and how to fold towels (his method is wrong, but I let it slide). Then, perimenopause hit. And with it, an unrelenting inferno of hot flashes that turned our home into a battlefield.

    The Climate Crisis at Home

    Let me set the scene: It’s February. Outside, it’s a crisp 10 degrees, snow is gently falling, and inside, I am melting like a candle in a microwave. My body has decided that I am a human furnace, and I am radiating heat like the sun. So naturally, I do what any overheated, slightly unhinged woman would do—I set the thermostat to a reasonable 65 degrees.

    Enter my husband, shivering like a Dickensian orphan.

    “Why is the thermostat set at 65 degrees in February?!” he exclaims, rubbing his hands together for warmth, probably contemplating layering a third sweatshirt over his already fleece-lined existence.

    Without missing a beat, I turn to him, eyes wild, sweat glistening on my brow, and declare:
    “Touch that dial and you can heat your ass in Hell!”

    A Marriage Built on Compromise (But Not This Time)

    Now, in any normal marital disagreement, we would find a middle ground. But there is no middle ground when one person is living inside the core of the Earth while the other is actively developing frostbite.

    We have tried:
    ✔️ Blankets (he’s wrapped up like a burrito while I lay sprawled out like a starfish).
    ✔️ Heated socks (for him—while my bare feet enjoy the icy bliss of the fan blowing next to me).
    ✔️ A space heater (which he positions near his side of the bed while glaring at me like I’m his personal Arctic tormentor).

    Nothing is working. My only recourse is to maintain my dominion over the thermostat, defending it like a dragon hoarding gold.

    Creative Solutions (That Mostly Favor Me)

    My husband, desperate, has suggested a separate climate-controlled bedroom—basically a marital igloo just for him. I suggested that instead, he embrace his inner Viking and toughen up. He was not amused.

    We are now at an impasse. The thermostat remains at 65. He remains layered like he’s about to summit Everest. And I remain victorious… for now.

    The Moral of the Story

    Marriage is about love, laughter, and respecting each other’s needs. But also, and perhaps more importantly, it’s about not touching the damn thermostat.

    Stay warm (unless you’re me, in which case, stay chilled to perfection).

  • Marriage, Resentment, and the Unequal Exchange of Labor

    Marriage has long been painted as a union of love and mutual respect. It’s sold as the ultimate partnership, where two people come together to build a life as equals. But let’s be honest: in many marriages, the scales of labor are far from balanced, and the weight of that imbalance almost always falls on women.

    Women often enter marriage expecting partnership but end up with responsibility instead. Studies repeatedly show that women perform the majority of household labor, childcare, and emotional caregiving—even when they also work full-time jobs. Husbands may chip in, but it’s often the wife who keeps track of doctor’s appointments, plans the kids’ schedules, and ensures the fridge is stocked and meals are ready. This unequal distribution of labor leaves many wives feeling more like exhausted managers than equal partners.

    And let’s not ignore the emotional toll. It’s not just about folding laundry or helping with homework. Women often bear the mental load—the invisible, unpaid labor of keeping a household and family running. Meanwhile, some husbands dismiss this as “nagging” or downplay the significance of what it takes to make a family thrive.

    This isn’t just anecdotal frustration—it’s a systemic issue rooted in patriarchy. For centuries, marriage was less about love and more about ownership. Women were considered property, their roles confined to serving husbands and bearing children. Although we’ve made strides in women’s rights, echoes of this archaic mindset still linger in how many marriages operate today.

    The truth is, marriage doesn’t always protect or support women. In too many cases, it burdens them. And while some men step up, far too many don’t—and women are becoming increasingly resentful of the ones who don’t even try.

    Here’s where feminism comes in. Feminism isn’t about vilifying men; it’s about leveling the playing field. It’s about ensuring that women aren’t entering marriages destined to be one-sided arrangements where they’re treated as the lesser sex. Feminism challenges us to reimagine marriage as a true partnership—a collaboration between equals where the work, love, and responsibility are shared, not dumped disproportionately onto one person.

    We should be entering marriages as teammates, not as master and servant. It’s time to dismantle the idea that wives exist to pick up the slack or bear the brunt of the work. No woman should feel like she has to mother her husband while raising her kids or carry the entire emotional and logistical load of a family on her back.

    The power dynamics in marriage won’t change overnight, but they won’t change at all if we don’t call them out. Women deserve better than marriages that drain them, leaving them bitter and broken. We deserve husbands who see us as equals, who value our time, and who recognize that a true partnership means sharing the burdens of life—not adding to them.

    Marriage can be beautiful, but only when both partners are committed to pulling their weight. Let’s stop settling for less. Let’s demand equality, respect, and balance—not just in society but in our homes.

  • Navigating Boundaries: A Personal Reflection on Parental Involvement in Marriage

    Marriage is a union between two people who are committed to share their lives, hopes, and dreams. While family plays an essential role in our lives, it’s crucial to maintain healthy boundaries to ensure the growth and harmony of the marital relationship. Unfortunately, not all parents fully understand the importance of these boundaries, as evidenced by personal experiences like that of my own with my family of origin.

    I met my husband when I was working as a bartender at my father’s tavern. My husband knew my father before he met me. Prior to our marriage, my husband and father had shared a friendship that spanned several years. Their bond was built on shared experiences, laughter, and trust. My dad witnessed the budding romance between my husband and me. He was there during the early stages of our relationship, often giving advice and support (sometimes whether we wanted it or not).

    However, as our relationship evolved into marriage, the dynamics shifted. I had not yet confronted the trauma and lack of boundaries in my childhood. Family enmeshment was normal to me, I didn’t know any different. I was not fully aware of the controlling behaviors my parents displayed in my childhood, nor was I keen to recognize they had carried over into my adulthood. My father’s investment in my relationship with my husband led to his desire to maintain the same level of involvement, and control, as he had before my marriage.

    My husband, now a partner in our marital union, had naturally assumed the role of being my primary source of support, understanding, and companionship. My parents struggled to adjust to this change. In their mind I was obligated to put my family of origin first. They believed that because they had always been the ones to provide support and advice they should be entitled to continue doing so. The entry of a new figure into this role proved to be challenging to reconcile. I was often caught in the middle, torn between my loyalty to my husband and the implied obligation to my parents.

    As events unfolded regarding my childhood trauma, tensions began to rise. My parents involvement in my marriage, and in my husband’s and my decision-making processes, became a source of contention. My husband felt his role as my spouse was being undermined. After many difficult conversations between us, I finally understood how he felt in the early years of our marriage; that I had given up too much control to my parents and still continued to defer to them out of perceived guilt or obligation..

    The Challenge of Overinvolved Parents:

    In my case, my father had expressed a strong desire to be actively involved in my marriage, often going beyond the lines of respectful involvement. He believes he has the right to interfere, making demands for me to confess my personal struggles or share details about my relationship, our finances, and how we raise our children. This behavior reflects a belief in his entitlement to control aspects of my life that should rightly remain between my partner and me.

    Respecting Boundaries: A Two-Way Street:

    Respecting boundaries is a two-way street that involves both parties acknowledging and honoring each other’s personal space, decisions, and privacy. While parents naturally worry about their children’s well-being, it’s essential for them to understand that adulthood and marriage mark a transition to independent life choices. As adults, we deserve the autonomy to make decisions about our relationships, without feeling obligated to share every detail with our parents.

    There are struggles in my marriage that are private. The matters my husband and I discuss, the arguments we have, the issues we have faced, are between us. I must respect my husband’s wishes to keep certain aspects of our marriage private. This decision helps us protect and nurture our relationship and create an environment of trust and openness between us. Our priority is to strengthen our connection and keep external influences out of our marriage.

    Communication is Key:

    Addressing such a delicate situation with parents requires open and honest communication. Expressing how their behavior affects you and your relationship can help parents understand the impact of their actions. Sharing your perspective calmly and assertively can pave the way for them to acknowledge your feelings and hopefully, adjust their behavior accordingly.

    Setting Healthy Boundaries:

    Setting boundaries is not about pushing parents away, but rather about defining what is acceptable and respectful behavior. Boundaries are personal limits that we set for ourselves in various areas of our lives, including relationships, emotions, time, and physical space. Boundaries are essential for maintaining our own well-being, self-respect and healthy relationships.

    If conversations fail to yield positive results and parents continue to overstep boundaries, consider seeking the support of a therapist or counselor. They can offer guidance on navigating these complex family dynamics and help both you and your parents understand each other’s perspectives better.

    Balancing the roles of being a spouse and a child can be challenging, especially when dealing with parents who struggle to respect personal boundaries. It’s essential to remember that building a successful marriage requires space, trust, and autonomy. Through open communication and a commitment to fostering healthy boundaries, we can strive for a harmonious coexistence that respects the sanctity of both our marital and familial relationships. While it’s undeniable that parents hold a special place in our lives, it’s equally important to respect the boundaries that come with adulthood and the establishment of new families. As we navigate this delicate terrain, remember that open communication, assertiveness, and a united front with your partner can help set and reinforce these boundaries.