Hey Dana Jane

Tag: Live Your Values

  • Curiosity

    A few months ago, before the holidays, I had a revelation about myself. I was immersed in planning for Christmas, which always leads me toward planning for the new year, and I realized that I often talk myself out of doing things when I’m feeling insecure. I started to become curious about my behavior.

    Too often friends or colleagues will invite me to try something and my instinct is usually to say no. Later, I’ll think about how fun the activity seemed and why I was too shy, or scared, to step out of my comfort zone.

    I have been working on being more brave and the biking event I participated in last September was my first big step toward that goal.

    So why am I still so reluctant to say yes?

    I am a naturally curious person. I love to learn and seek knowledge by reading books, watching TED Talks and online seminars. But when it comes to certain social engagements, I find that if I’m feeling uncomfortable, I say no to avoid dealing with the emotions I’m feeling. I decided this insecurity and fear must end.

    In yoga class, my instructor often asks us to get curious about what’s happening in our bodies when we move into various poses. She tells us to acknowledge our thoughts, whether positive or negative, and then let them go. It’s not always easy to follow this advice during class, but I try. And sometimes I’m successful.

    It was during my revelatory moment that I discovered I must let go of the thoughts and emotions that hold me back in order to stay curious and not be so reluctant to try new things.

    How do you get and stay curious? I’m so glad you asked, I’ve made a list:

    1. Be a “yes” person. I don’t mean that you have to say yes to everything and everyone around you. (Who has time for that? Not me.) Instead of defaulting to “no,” respond by saying, “Yes, tell me more!” or “Yes, I’ll try that with you!”
    2. Investigate things that spark your interest. Make discoveries. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Do some research, jump on Google, and learn more about what interests you. Too often I make a mental note to check into something, only to forget about it soon after. Keeping a list is helpful. For example, I have recently become interested in snowshoeing. I’ve been researching different brands and have a list of places I’d like to go once I’ve made my purchase. I also have a list of books I want to read that pertain to my newest interests.
    3. Ask questions. I’ve stopped being afraid to show that I don’t know the answers to some things. I wonder aloud and ask others to share their advice and experiences.
    4. Practice being present. Become engaged. Put down your phone, or turn it off if it’s a big distraction. I find that when I’m present in the moment with others, and our shared experiences, I’m more likely to be curious.
    5. Become a student of things you’re interested in and learn as much as you can about them. You might be surprised where your exploration takes you. Recently I was very intrigued by other religions, namely the FLDS church and it’s polygamist past. I devoured every book I could find on the religion, its members and the experiences of those who left the FLDS church. This led me to learn more about Mormonism, Joseph Smith, and how the state of Utah became the LDS capital of the world.

    Curiosity is the desire to learn, or acquire knowledge, about everything or even specific topics. We are all born with it. Babies are especially curious about the world around them. My children ask many questions every day. However, as we grow, we shift from curious learning to knowing and, as an adult, we can reach a learning plateau. None of us is an expert in all things, so continual learning is essential.

    Get curious.

  • The Value of Beauty

    The holidays brought to my attention the value of beauty that society places upon us, and on women especially. So many advertisements feature extraordinarily beautiful women next to exceptionally handsome men. If I have to see this Dolce & Gabbana commercial one more time…well, I may jump off a cliff.

    I’m not seriously going to attempt suicide, but some of these marketing strategies make many of us feel insecure, inferior, and basically…ugly. I try to understand the reason behind this societal push for women to be 5’10”, size 2, super models or men to resemble Adonis. I think it comes down to the fact that people want to look at beautiful people.

    Not everyone has a super model body, and not everyone should. Accepting the bodies we have, and living healthy lifestyles, is more important than looking like Heidi Klum. The inclusivity, anti-body shaming, movement has picked up a lot of steam over the past few years. I think it’s wonderful that we have plus-sized models willing to pose in swimwear and lingerie. They show the world that they love the skin they’re in (thank you, Oil of Olay, for that catchy phrase), and they empower others to accept themselves for who they are, not who society says they should be.

    All of these thoughts beg the question, what does beauty actually mean?

    I dug out the dictionary and read the definition.

    beau·ty
    /ˈbyo͞odē/
    noun
    1. a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight.
    “I was struck by her beauty”
    2. a beautiful woman.
    “she was considered a great beauty in her youth”

    Truthfully, everyone’s definition of beauty is different. What I find beautiful, you may find to be less so. I remember hearing the expression, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” as a child, and thinking how odd this phrase was. It had negative connotations for me because I applied it to my physical appearance.

    While one person might find me beautiful on the outside, another may not. For an insecure teenager the phrase is even more troublesome, especially for girls. When society is constantly pushing a narrative that your body size and attractiveness directly correlate to your value as a person, you can imagine the psychological trauma that is inflicted and the mixed messages that are received.

    For me personally, I look beyond someone’s physical appearance. When I’m photographing people, I try to capture the spark in their eyes, their unique smiles, and how the light shines on their faces. My favorite part of taking pictures of friends and loved ones is noticing the laugh lines, crows feet and smile creases. To me these are signs of a life that has been lived and experiences that have been gained.

    There is beauty in everything if you look closely. When I’m taking walks with the dog I always bring my camera. The excitement of seeing the trees, sun, or clouds against a bright blue sky, and the way it all comes together like a brilliant painting, fills me with emotions that I find difficult to describe. Friends have commented on my obsession with color and light and nature scenes. They don’t understand that the way trees frame a walking trail, or the way sunlight hits leaves so brilliantly, sends my mood soaring as high as the birds in the sky.

    My definition of beauty is to notice, to create, and to cultivate the exquisiteness and loveliness that surrounds me. Not only am I drawn to the beauty in nature, but I seek out beautiful souls, people who bring a smile to the faces of others. I look for their beautiful qualities; how they behave, choices they make and how they interact with others.

    Sometimes it isn’t easy to see the beauty in our lives. In addition to keeping a gratitude journal, I also keep a list of all the ways I invite beauty into my life. My eyes and ears are always open so that I can pay attention to and appreciate the small beauties of each day. It’s also important for me to disconnect from digital screens as much as possible so that I’m present in the physical world and intentional with the quality time I spend with those I love.

    In my home I have begun to make changes to my décor so that everywhere I look my eye falls on something beautiful. Last summer I took a painting class and painted a gorgeous sunflower. For weeks that painting sat on my table until I finally hung it on the wall near my bookshelf. It’s the first thing I see when I go to my reading nook. Sometimes I pause after a few chapters just to look at what I created.

    When you become conscious of the beauty in your life, your outlook changes. Instead of dwelling on the negative, you’ll find that your attitude becomes more positive and your mood is lifted. The best part is that this kind of awareness is contagious. Share it with others and watch as they become more positive and aware of the beauty in their lives.

    Beauty is everywhere. Invite it into your life. Notice it. Create it. Cultivate it.

  • The Value of Assertiveness

    In my early forties, I found myself wondering if my life is anything like I thought it would be at this age. I often feel that something bigger is in store for me, yet I don’t know what that something is; I’m adrift and unsure of my purpose.

    Have you ever felt that way?

    I used to think I was a steady person, not often willing to make drastic changes in my life. Now all I can think about is making big changes to my life. What is this feeling? It’s unsettling. I don’t like it.

    The last fifteen months has been a tornado of change. From acknowledging traumas, recognizing negative behaviors of myself and others, to making the decision to no longer tolerate abuse and manipulation, I have discovered that I’m no longer interested in doing what everyone else thinks I should.

    There have been many lightbulb moments that led me to my journey of defining my values. One of the brightest moments was realizing that I want, and need, to be more assertive.

    What does it mean to be assertive? The dictionary defines assertiveness as being confident, self-assured, and having the ability to express needs easily.

    Being raised in an environment where I was made to believe I didn’t know what I was doing, that my needs weren’t important, I was certainly not assertive and didn’t possess the ability to express what I needed from my parents or siblings.

    To be assertive I have learned to speak up. I no longer expect others to know what I want or need. I have become more open about what works or does not work for me, and I’m not afraid to be honest when my boundary lines have been crossed.

    When communicating verbally or in text or email, I have taken time to think about my words. It is important for me to understand other people’s points of view, to consider all sides of a situation and to use assertive statements such as, “I think” and “I feel” instead of saying “you always” or “you never.”

    Being assertive means I am never passive nor aggressive. Being assertive means being direct and honest. And the first step toward assertiveness is creating boundaries that help me decide what I will and will not allow, and this helps me decide the best way to communicate.

    For me, communicating my needs has helped me feel less anxious about my interpersonal relationships. My husband and children know my boundaries. We have eliminated many miscommunications and everyone is more willing to discuss issues freely. The quality of my friendships has improved, too. I no longer tolerate negative behavior and I’m more aware of my own attitude toward negative people.

    Are you an assertive person? Or, do you tend to be passive-aggressive? In what ways will effectively communicating your needs improve your life?