Tag: joy

“Once we recognize what it is we are feeling, once we recognize we can feel deeply, love deeply, can feel joy, then we will demand that all parts of our lives produce that kind of joy.” – Audre Lorde

I’ve been thinking about joy quite a bit lately. It seems that everyone is touting the motto, “Find your joy!” Perhaps this worldwide pandemic has not only forced us to change our routines, adapt our lives to the new rules, and give up our sense of normalcy, it also compelled us to reevaluate our thoughts, opinions and values.

My own values have certainly changed. I no longer place much importance on what others think of me. There was a time in my life when I worried too much about the opinions of others and I allowed my need to please people control my decisions.

I preferred to avoid conflict at all cost. I’d say yes when I really wanted to say no, and then resented whatever I agreed to do. A few months into the lockdown of 2020, I discovered that I didn’t have any problem saying no to things that didn’t make me feel good about myself. I didn’t feel obligated to give beyond my capacity.

Perhaps not being face-to-face with others for so long helped me realize that no one is going to die if I don’t give in to their demands or expectations. Instead of worrying about my relationships with others I began to care more about the one I had with myself. If I’m being honest, it was a difficult thing to do at first. For too many years I believed that self-care was self-centered.

Self-care isn’t selfish. Self-centered people tend to ignore the needs of others and only do what’s best for them, but this isn’t me. I take care of the needs of my husband and children, often sacrificing my own needs in the process. For the first time in my life I was forced to acknowledge that I’m important, too.

A year ago I began to address the problems I had ignored for most of my life. I stopped denying traumatic childhood experiences. I no longer tolerated people disrespecting me. Through cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), I discovered that my anxiety and panic attacks weren’t things I needed to hide. I didn’t have to live in fear or denial.

It’s not easy to talk about these things. I’ve shared my experiences slowly; first with close friends and later via social media. I stopped letting others silence me. Their judgment no longer had merit. I know that talking about what I endured has upset some people, but it’s helped countless others. Friends have come forward to say, “I’ve been through something similar,” and “you’re not alone.”

It’s not easy to find happiness when you’re dealing with negative emotions, or negative people. Happiness can feel elusive when we’re focused on negative feelings. On the contrary, denying the negative emotions isn’t healthy. Acknowledging them, accepting them and then choosing to move forward is the best way to cope.

Sometimes we convince ourselves that we don’t deserve happiness. In my own experience I grew up believing that it was my job to make everybody else happy. I took on responsibilities in my childhood that should have been taken care of by adults. If I did anything for myself I was accused of being selfish. I think that’s why I sometimes feel guilty when I spend time away from my children. I was made to believe that I had to sacrifice my own needs to care for others. But who takes care of me when I’m depleted? I have to care for myself before I can care for my family. I cannot ignore my own needs. It leads to resentment and that’s not fair to anyone.

To find my joy, I started writing in a journal. I list what I’m grateful for each morning, and I look for the positive moments in my day. If negative thoughts pop up, I redirect myself. It helps. I wish it was automatic, this positivity, but it truly is a conscious effort. No one is happy all the time, but we can work toward happy moments each day.

Another thing I do for myself is curl up with a good book before bed. I wait until the kids are asleep and the house is quiet and I read until I’m tired. It calms my anxiety and it’s a ritual that leads me to a better night of sleep. Instead of staring at my phone or watching mindless television, reading helps me relax.

Yoga brings me joy, too. I love going to class, rolling out my mat and pausing my hectic life for one whole hour. I have a supportive instructor who always seems to feel what I’m feeling and helps me put my chaotic thoughts into perspective. I don’t know how I got through my days without yoga before I started my practice!

There is joy to be found in many things, we just have to learn to look for it. What brings you joy?