Hey Dana Jane

Category: Therapy

  • Understanding Triangulation: What It Is, How It Impacts Us, and How to Cope

    We’ve all been there—caught up in a situation where we’re feeling stuck between two people who aren’t getting along. Maybe it’s a family member, a colleague, or a friend. Someone might be telling you one side of a story, and then you hear the other person’s side, leaving you in the middle, uncertain of where you stand or what’s really going on. That feeling of being pulled in different directions is what’s called triangulation, and let me tell you, it can cause a lot of harm to relationships and your mental wellbeing.

    So, What Is Triangulation?

    Triangulation happens when one person drags a third person (you, in this case) into a conflict or issue that doesn’t necessarily concern you. This tactic typically happens when someone wants to avoid dealing directly with the person they have a problem with, so they go to someone else for validation, support, or to try to get them to take sides. Instead of directly communicating, the issue is distorted and passed around, like a game of telephone.

    It’s not just a family issue. Triangulation can happen in any setting—whether at work, with friends, or at home. It’s basically an unhealthy communication strategy used to manipulate, control, or get a particular outcome.

    Examples of Triangulation

    Family Perspective: Let’s say you’ve got a family member, we’ll call them Person A, who has an ongoing issue with another family member, Person B. Instead of talking things through directly with Person B, Person A decides to approach you, trying to get you to side with them. They might say things like, “I just don’t get why Person B does this to me. What do you think?”

    Now, you’re stuck in the middle, unsure of what to say. If you agree with Person A, you’re reinforcing their perspective without fully understanding the other side. If you try to take the neutral route, it might come across as picking sides anyway. Either way, the situation becomes more complicated and creates tension between you, Person A, and Person B.

    Workplace Perspective: Triangulation can be a nightmare in the workplace. Maybe you’ve seen it: A colleague complains about a manager or another team member to you, pulling you into their grievances. Instead of directly addressing the issue with the person they’re upset with, they try to get your sympathy, possibly in an attempt to win you over or get you to agree with their side. Now, you’re not only feeling uncomfortable but possibly in the middle of a situation that could affect your work dynamics, too. It creates division, mistrust, and undermines teamwork.

    The Harm It Causes

    Triangulation doesn’t just make you feel awkward—it can really harm relationships, both personal and professional. Here are some of the issues that arise when triangulation is at play:

    1. Miscommunication: Because you’re only hearing one side of the story, there’s a lot of room for misunderstanding. You don’t get the full picture, and things can get distorted, making it harder to figure out what’s really going on.
    2. Toxic Relationships: Triangulation creates an unhealthy dynamic where people don’t communicate directly. Instead, there’s secrecy, manipulation, and a breakdown of trust. Over time, it can chip away at the foundation of the relationship.
    3. Stress and Anxiety: When you’re caught in the middle, it can feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You worry about saying the wrong thing or making people upset. The constant stress of being a go-between can take a toll on your mental health.
    4. Disempowerment: If you’re always being dragged into conflicts, you may start to feel like your own voice and opinion don’t matter. Your role is reduced to being a pawn in someone else’s drama, and that can be incredibly disempowering.
    5. Division: In families and workplaces, triangulation creates sides, which causes division. People become more focused on taking sides or seeking validation than working together to resolve the issue at hand.

    How to Cope With Triangulation

    1. Set Boundaries: This is key. Whether at work or in your personal life, make it clear that you’re not comfortable being pulled into someone else’s conflict. Politely but firmly tell the person that you’re not the right person to talk to about the situation and encourage them to speak directly to the person involved.
    2. Be Neutral: If you find yourself in the middle of triangulation, try to remain neutral. Don’t take sides, and avoid making judgments based on incomplete information. If necessary, redirect the conversation back to the person they have the issue with.
    3. Encourage Direct Communication: One of the best ways to stop triangulation is by promoting direct communication between the parties involved. Gently suggest that the person who is upset speak directly to the person they’re having an issue with, rather than involving you.
    4. Don’t Get Emotional: Triangulation can be emotionally manipulative, but it’s important not to get caught up in the emotions of the situation. Keep your feelings in check and don’t let anyone use you to get a reaction out of others.
    5. Seek Support: If you’re dealing with triangulation, it’s helpful to talk to someone you trust. It could be a therapist, a friend, or a colleague who isn’t involved in the situation. Talking it out helps you process your feelings and avoid internalizing the stress of being in the middle.

    Final Thoughts

    Triangulation may seem like a small issue, but it can spiral into something bigger, affecting not only the relationships of the people directly involved but also your own emotional health. Whether at home or at work, it’s important to recognize triangulation when it happens and take steps to protect yourself. Open, honest, and direct communication is the key to avoiding it—and if you find yourself in the middle, it’s okay to step back, set boundaries, and prioritize your own peace of mind.

    If you’ve ever experienced triangulation, I’d love to hear how you’ve handled it or any tips you might have for coping with it. Let’s talk about it!

  • The Draw of Psychology

    I recently came across a quote from The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides that stopped me in my tracks:

    “I believe the same is true for most people who go into mental health. We are drawn to this profession because we are damaged—we study psychology to heal ourselves.”

    It struck a chord with me because it encapsulates the deeply personal reason I’ve always been fascinated by psychology. My interest began with my very first college psychology class. I was hooked, not just by the science of it, but by the way it seemed to illuminate the human condition—my condition.

    Years later, when childhood traumas I had long buried began to surface, psychology became a lifeline. Therapy and psychology books were the first places I turned, hoping to understand myself, heal, and learn how to set boundaries. I wanted to know why I had spent decades in denial about the dysfunction in my family. I had questions, and psychology held the answers I desperately needed.

    What I’ve learned is that denial is a survival mechanism. It shields us from pain until we’re ready to confront it. For years, I clung to a narrative that felt safe. But when the cracks appeared, I couldn’t unsee them. Psychology helped me name the chaos I grew up in, recognize unhealthy patterns, and, most importantly, begin the work of healing.

    And here’s the thing—I’ve come to believe we’re all healing from something. Life leaves its marks on all of us, whether it’s childhood wounds, broken relationships, or the weight of unmet expectations. Healing isn’t linear, and it isn’t quick. It’s messy, frustrating, and often painful. But it’s also worth it.

    Psychology taught me that understanding is the foundation of healing. By exploring the “why” behind our emotions and behaviors, we can begin to untangle the threads of our past and create a healthier future. It’s a process of unlearning harmful patterns, rewriting our inner narratives, and building something stronger in their place.

    For me, psychology has been more than an academic interest; it has been a mirror, a roadmap, and a guide. It’s shown me that while we may be “damaged,” we are not broken beyond repair. We are capable of growth, resilience, and transformation.

    If you’ve ever been curious about what makes us who we are, I encourage you to dive into this field—even if you’re just exploring for yourself. It’s not just about healing the world; sometimes, it’s about healing ourselves first. And as we heal, we create space for others to do the same.

  • Protecting Your Family From Manipulative People

    Let’s talk about something we all hope never to deal with: people who try to worm their way into your family and use manipulation to get what they want. You know the type—they seem charming at first, maybe even helpful, but over time, their true colors start to show. Before you know it, they’re stirring up drama, playing the victim, or turning people against each other. It’s exhausting, right?

    Here’s the thing: protecting your family from these kinds of people isn’t just important—it’s absolutely necessary. Let’s break it down.

    How Manipulators Operate

    These people don’t show up with a flashing sign that says, “I’m here to mess things up!” They’re sneaky. They might:

    • Act helpless: They love to make you feel sorry for them. Suddenly, you’re bending over backward to help someone who never seems to help themselves.
    • Twist the truth: They’ll make you question your own memory or feelings. You’ll catch yourself thinking, Am I the problem here? Spoiler alert: you’re not.
    • Exploit weaknesses: Maybe they latch onto the soft-hearted member of your family, or they guilt-trip someone who’s too nice to say no.
    • Create drama: They thrive on chaos. They’ll pit people against each other or stir up conflict to keep the focus off their own behavior.

    Sound familiar?

    Why It’s Such a Big Deal

    If you let this kind of behavior slide, it doesn’t just go away. It grows. Here’s what happens when you don’t set boundaries:

    1. Trust gets shaky: Suddenly, you’re questioning each other instead of the person causing the problems.
    2. Everyone’s drained: Dealing with manipulation is emotionally exhausting. You end up feeling tense, frustrated, and maybe even guilty for wanting peace.
    3. The family dynamic shifts: Instead of feeling like a team, your family starts to feel fractured, which is exactly what the manipulator wants.

    So, What Can You Do?

    Protecting your family doesn’t mean you have to be rude or aggressive, but it does mean you have to take a stand. Here’s how:

    • Set boundaries: Be clear about what’s okay and what’s not. And don’t just set the boundary—enforce it.
    • Trust your gut: If someone’s actions consistently make you uncomfortable, pay attention to that feeling.
    • Stick together: Talk openly as a family about what’s going on. The manipulator’s power comes from dividing you—don’t give them that chance.
    • Know when to walk away: If someone keeps crossing the line despite your best efforts, it might be time to cut ties. It’s tough, but sometimes it’s the only way to protect your peace.

    It’s Okay to Protect Your Space

    At the end of the day, you don’t owe anyone an open door to your family. If someone’s behavior is causing harm, you’re allowed to step in and say, “Enough.” That doesn’t make you mean or heartless—it makes you protective of the people you care about.

    Family should be a place of love and support, not manipulation and drama. If someone can’t respect that, it’s not your job to make excuses for them. Trust yourself, stand firm, and protect what matters most. You’ve got this.

  • Naming the Darkness: How Neon Angel Resonates with My Experience

    Reading Cherie Currie’s memoir, Neon Angel, was a deeply moving experience. Cherie’s story of rising to fame with The Runaways and the darker struggles that came with it is raw, unfiltered, and deeply human. One quote in particular struck a chord with me: “Because there is a certain type of person in this world, a type that has something black inside of their soul.”

    Growing up in my dad’s bar, those words resonated on a level that’s hard to describe. As a teenager working behind the bar, the threat of sexual assault wasn’t some distant fear—it was an ever-present shadow. I was only 14 when I started bartending, and by the time I was 16, I’d seen the worst parts of human nature far too often.

    There were always those regulars who had my dad fooled. They’d come in, shake his hand, and laugh like they were the picture of respectability. To him, they were “upstanding citizens,” good for business and trustworthy. But once a few drinks loosened their tongues, their true nature came out. They’d flirt, they’d grope, and some even tried to manipulate me into being affectionate with them.

    It’s difficult to explain what it’s like to be in that position, teetering between fear and self-preservation. I never felt safe around those men, yet I also understood the stakes. My dad’s business depended on these customers, and I didn’t know how far I could push before accusations would turn into drama—or worse. At 14, 15, 16 years old, I had no idea how to navigate that fine line.

    How much do you tell your dad when you’re that young? What if he doesn’t believe you, or what if he does and things escalate? These questions swirled in my mind constantly, leaving me feeling isolated and unsure of how to protect myself. I learned to smile politely, sidestep advances, and deflect with jokes, all while keeping my guard up. Looking back, it was a survival strategy—but it shouldn’t have had to be.

    Reading Cherie’s words about the darkness inside some people’s souls brought back those memories in a wave of understanding and validation. She’d seen that darkness too, felt it closing in, and fought against it. There’s a strange kind of comfort in knowing you’re not alone, that someone else has faced the same shadows and named them for what they are.

    Her memoir reminded me of the strength it takes to confront those moments and the importance of shedding light on these experiences. When I think back to that time in my life, I feel a mix of emotions: anger, sadness, and pride. Anger at the men who thought their behavior was acceptable. Sadness for the girl I was, navigating a world where she didn’t feel protected. And pride for the woman I’ve become, who’s not afraid to speak the truth.

    Neon Angel isn’t just a story about music and fame; it’s a story about resilience. It’s about naming the darkness and refusing to let it define you. For anyone who’s ever felt that shadow looming, Cherie’s words are a reminder that you’re not alone, and that your voice has power. I wish I’d known that back then, but I’m grateful to know it now.

  • Full Circle: A Reflection on Penny, My Childhood Bully

    Life has a funny way of coming full circle, doesn’t it? As I sit here reflecting on my childhood, one story stands out—a story that I’ve spent years processing, only to find it has a twist ending that even I couldn’t have predicted.

    Let me introduce you to Penny, the girl who turned my junior high years into a battlefield. Penny and I met in 5th grade when she transferred to the same elementary school. At first, we were friends—two girls navigating the awkwardness of pre-adolescence. She lived in a trailer park with her mom and younger sister. I visited her home a handful of times, but there was never much adult supervision. Her mom worked second shift at a nursing home and would often head out to the bars after her shift, leaving Penny and her sister to fend for themselves.

    We spent summers walking around the trailer park—something I now realize was dangerous given the sketchiness of the area. Penny loved chasing boys and flirting, a hobby that didn’t sit well with me. But things shifted in 7th grade when Penny decided I was a threat to her relationship with her boyfriend. The accusation was absurd—I had no interest in him—but that didn’t stop her from turning on me.

    The insults came first. She called me ugly, accused me of stealing his attention, and declared I’d never be good enough for anyone. By 8th grade, she’d recruited a posse of mean girls to back her up. I was shoved into lockers, my head slammed against walls, and mocked with the nickname “Tuna.” They tried to make me feel ugly, unwanted, and disgusting. And for a while, they succeeded.

    Their cruelty stripped me of my confidence, leaving me feeling small and helpless. My father, furious at the treatment I endured, told me to steer clear of those girls, calling them “derelicts and deadbeats.” Over the summer before freshman year, I took his words to heart. I realized I had nothing to prove to Penny or anyone else. I learned to stand up for myself and started to see their behavior for what it was: jealousy.

    They envied the life I had—a stable home, loving parents, and opportunities they couldn’t imagine. I was more than just the girl-next-door pretty or the friendly face in class. I had potential, ambition, and resilience.

    Fast forward to now, and here’s the ironic twist: Penny is a bartender at my family’s tavern, a job she landed during a period when I was no-contact with my family. When I first heard the news, I laughed. The girl who once tried to make me feel small is now working for my family. Imagine being a single mother of five, no education, and needing to ask for a job from the family of the girl you tormented in junior high.

    Is she laughing about this, thinking she pulled one over on them? Maybe. I’m almost certain her thinking was, look how dumb the Jurgellas are, they know I bullied Dana and hired me anyway. But I can’t help but see the poetic justice in it all. Penny, who thought she was untouchable back in the day, is now slinging drinks in a bar owned by my family.

    Meanwhile, I’ve built a life I’m proud of—a college-educated professional with a fulfilling career, a loving husband, and three wonderful kids. I live in a home filled with love, a far cry from the chaos of her trailer park days.

    Penny once tried to make me feel like a loser, but life has a way of revealing the truth. I didn’t just survive her bullying; I thrived despite it. And that’s the ultimate victory.

  • How to Handle Passive-Aggressive People Without Losing Your Mind

    If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that some people are like human landmines. They might not blow up in your face, but they’ll sure as hell leave little explosions in your path to trip you up. Passive-aggressive people are masters of this art, and unfortunately, I’ve had my fair share of encounters—both in my family and with so-called friends. So, let’s talk about how to deal with them without losing your sanity or, better yet, your sense of humor.

    Passive Aggression in Disguise

    For me, the first wake-up call came with certain family members who’d rather swallow nails than directly address their feelings. Instead, they’d make subtle digs, backhanded compliments, or those “innocent” comments designed to make you second-guess yourself. It was like being a contestant in a game show where the rules constantly changed.

    I remember one family member who never failed to comment on my weight at holiday gatherings—but always in the nicest way, of course. “Oh, you look so… healthy this year!” Or, “I wish I had your confidence to wear that outfit!” Subtle enough to not warrant a full-on confrontation, but sharp enough to sting.

    Then there were the friends who’d get upset about something but never actually tell me. Instead, they’d ghost me for a few days or start posting cryptic quotes about “some people” on social media. For example, after I made great strides in my career, a friend said, “Must be nice to have a job where people help you succeed,” as if my accomplishment wasn’t earned by my own effort or hard work. If I confronted them, they’d act like I was the problem for overthinking it. Sound familiar?

    Why Passive-Aggressive People Act the Way They Do

    Passive-aggressive behavior is about power. These people often feel powerless or insecure, so they act out in ways that allow them to maintain control while avoiding direct confrontation. And let’s be honest—hurting others (especially when it’s subtle) makes them feel better about themselves.

    When I started to see it that way, it helped me depersonalize their behavior. That family member who loved to comment on my appearance? They were deflecting their own insecurities. The “friend” who posted vague Facebook jabs? They lacked the maturity to have an honest conversation about their feelings.

    My Game Plan for Dealing With Passive Aggression

    Here’s what works for me when I encounter these little emotional landmines:

    1. Call it Out (Politely, If You Can)
      Nothing disarms a passive-aggressive person faster than bringing their behavior into the light. For example, when that family member dropped another comment about my weight, I started responding with something like, “What do you mean by that?” or “I don’t understand—can you explain?” Nine times out of ten, they backpedal.
    2. Don’t Play Their Game
      The hardest lesson I’ve learned is not to take the bait. Passive-aggressive people want a reaction—they thrive on it. If they say something hurtful, stay calm and collected. When you don’t give them the drama they’re fishing for, you take away their power.
    3. Set Clear Boundaries
      There’s nothing wrong with saying, “Hey, I don’t appreciate those kinds of comments,” or, “If you’re upset about something, just tell me directly—I’d rather talk it out than guess what’s going on.” It might feel awkward at first, but it sets a precedent for how you expect to be treated.
    4. Evaluate the Relationship
      Some relationships are worth working through; others are not. After years of trying to navigate the minefield of a certain “friendship,” I realized I was doing all the emotional heavy lifting. If someone consistently makes you feel bad, it’s okay to step back or even cut ties. Your mental health is worth more than their passive-aggressive nonsense.

    Takeaway

    Dealing with passive-aggressive people isn’t easy, but it’s manageable. Once you recognize their behavior for what it is—a reflection of their own issues—it becomes a lot easier to protect yourself from the fallout. And honestly, there’s something incredibly empowering about rising above their drama.

    At the end of the day, life is too short to tiptoe around emotional landmines. Call them out, set boundaries, and if all else fails, walk away with your head held high. Trust me, your peace of mind will thank you.

    Have you dealt with passive-aggressive people? How do you handle it? Share your stories below—I’d love to hear them!