Hey Dana Jane

Category: Therapy

  • Full Circle: A Reflection on Penny, My Childhood Bully

    Life has a funny way of coming full circle, doesn’t it? As I sit here reflecting on my childhood, one story stands out—a story that I’ve spent years processing, only to find it has a twist ending that even I couldn’t have predicted.

    Let me introduce you to Penny, the girl who turned my junior high years into a battlefield. Penny and I met in 5th grade when she transferred to the same elementary school. At first, we were friends—two girls navigating the awkwardness of pre-adolescence. She lived in a trailer park with her mom and younger sister. I visited her home a handful of times, but there was never much adult supervision. Her mom worked second shift at a nursing home and would often head out to the bars after her shift, leaving Penny and her sister to fend for themselves.

    We spent summers walking around the trailer park—something I now realize was dangerous given the sketchiness of the area. Penny loved chasing boys and flirting, a hobby that didn’t sit well with me. But things shifted in 7th grade when Penny decided I was a threat to her relationship with her boyfriend. The accusation was absurd—I had no interest in him—but that didn’t stop her from turning on me.

    The insults came first. She called me ugly, accused me of stealing his attention, and declared I’d never be good enough for anyone. By 8th grade, she’d recruited a posse of mean girls to back her up. I was shoved into lockers, my head slammed against walls, and mocked with the nickname “Tuna.” They tried to make me feel ugly, unwanted, and disgusting. And for a while, they succeeded.

    Their cruelty stripped me of my confidence, leaving me feeling small and helpless. My father, furious at the treatment I endured, told me to steer clear of those girls, calling them “derelicts and deadbeats.” Over the summer before freshman year, I took his words to heart. I realized I had nothing to prove to Penny or anyone else. I learned to stand up for myself and started to see their behavior for what it was: jealousy.

    They envied the life I had—a stable home, loving parents, and opportunities they couldn’t imagine. I was more than just the girl-next-door pretty or the friendly face in class. I had potential, ambition, and resilience.

    Fast forward to now, and here’s the ironic twist: Penny is a bartender at my family’s tavern, a job she landed during a period when I was no-contact with my family. When I first heard the news, I laughed. The girl who once tried to make me feel small is now working for my family. Imagine being a single mother of five, no education, and needing to ask for a job from the family of the girl you tormented in junior high.

    Is she laughing about this, thinking she pulled one over on them? Maybe. I’m almost certain her thinking was, look how dumb the Jurgellas are, they know I bullied Dana and hired me anyway. But I can’t help but see the poetic justice in it all. Penny, who thought she was untouchable back in the day, is now slinging drinks in a bar owned by my family.

    Meanwhile, I’ve built a life I’m proud of—a college-educated professional with a fulfilling career, a loving husband, and three wonderful kids. I live in a home filled with love, a far cry from the chaos of her trailer park days.

    Penny once tried to make me feel like a loser, but life has a way of revealing the truth. I didn’t just survive her bullying; I thrived despite it. And that’s the ultimate victory.

  • How to Handle Passive-Aggressive People Without Losing Your Mind

    If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that some people are like human landmines. They might not blow up in your face, but they’ll sure as hell leave little explosions in your path to trip you up. Passive-aggressive people are masters of this art, and unfortunately, I’ve had my fair share of encounters—both in my family and with so-called friends. So, let’s talk about how to deal with them without losing your sanity or, better yet, your sense of humor.

    Passive Aggression in Disguise

    For me, the first wake-up call came with certain family members who’d rather swallow nails than directly address their feelings. Instead, they’d make subtle digs, backhanded compliments, or those “innocent” comments designed to make you second-guess yourself. It was like being a contestant in a game show where the rules constantly changed.

    I remember one family member who never failed to comment on my weight at holiday gatherings—but always in the nicest way, of course. “Oh, you look so… healthy this year!” Or, “I wish I had your confidence to wear that outfit!” Subtle enough to not warrant a full-on confrontation, but sharp enough to sting.

    Then there were the friends who’d get upset about something but never actually tell me. Instead, they’d ghost me for a few days or start posting cryptic quotes about “some people” on social media. For example, after I made great strides in my career, a friend said, “Must be nice to have a job where people help you succeed,” as if my accomplishment wasn’t earned by my own effort or hard work. If I confronted them, they’d act like I was the problem for overthinking it. Sound familiar?

    Why Passive-Aggressive People Act the Way They Do

    Passive-aggressive behavior is about power. These people often feel powerless or insecure, so they act out in ways that allow them to maintain control while avoiding direct confrontation. And let’s be honest—hurting others (especially when it’s subtle) makes them feel better about themselves.

    When I started to see it that way, it helped me depersonalize their behavior. That family member who loved to comment on my appearance? They were deflecting their own insecurities. The “friend” who posted vague Facebook jabs? They lacked the maturity to have an honest conversation about their feelings.

    My Game Plan for Dealing With Passive Aggression

    Here’s what works for me when I encounter these little emotional landmines:

    1. Call it Out (Politely, If You Can)
      Nothing disarms a passive-aggressive person faster than bringing their behavior into the light. For example, when that family member dropped another comment about my weight, I started responding with something like, “What do you mean by that?” or “I don’t understand—can you explain?” Nine times out of ten, they backpedal.
    2. Don’t Play Their Game
      The hardest lesson I’ve learned is not to take the bait. Passive-aggressive people want a reaction—they thrive on it. If they say something hurtful, stay calm and collected. When you don’t give them the drama they’re fishing for, you take away their power.
    3. Set Clear Boundaries
      There’s nothing wrong with saying, “Hey, I don’t appreciate those kinds of comments,” or, “If you’re upset about something, just tell me directly—I’d rather talk it out than guess what’s going on.” It might feel awkward at first, but it sets a precedent for how you expect to be treated.
    4. Evaluate the Relationship
      Some relationships are worth working through; others are not. After years of trying to navigate the minefield of a certain “friendship,” I realized I was doing all the emotional heavy lifting. If someone consistently makes you feel bad, it’s okay to step back or even cut ties. Your mental health is worth more than their passive-aggressive nonsense.

    Takeaway

    Dealing with passive-aggressive people isn’t easy, but it’s manageable. Once you recognize their behavior for what it is—a reflection of their own issues—it becomes a lot easier to protect yourself from the fallout. And honestly, there’s something incredibly empowering about rising above their drama.

    At the end of the day, life is too short to tiptoe around emotional landmines. Call them out, set boundaries, and if all else fails, walk away with your head held high. Trust me, your peace of mind will thank you.

    Have you dealt with passive-aggressive people? How do you handle it? Share your stories below—I’d love to hear them!