The Great Squirrel Caper: A Tail of Wits, Barks, and Bonks

There’s an A-hole squirrel in my neighborhood, and no, I’m not exaggerating. This little nut-hoarding menace has turned my peaceful home into a canine version of NASCAR. Daley and Hank, my beloved fur-children, are obsessed. OBSESSED. I’m not even sure this squirrel actually collects acorns; his full-time job seems to be taunting my dogs.

Every single day, this pint-sized instigator follows the same clever route like he’s auditioning for Mission: Impossible. He starts on the tree in the front yard, pauses dramatically as if to say, “You see me, don’t you? I’m irresistible.” Then he catapults onto the roof, sprinting across it with the grace of an Olympian (or so Daley and Hank must imagine, judging by their hysterical barking). The pièce de résistance? He leaps onto the tree to the north like some acrobatic villain in a Pixar film.

Daley and Hank, meanwhile, have memorized his routine better than I’ve memorized my Netflix password. They race back and forth between the living room window and the bedroom window, barking with the passion of two dogs whose life’s purpose is to catch this smug little rodent.

And here’s the kicker: sometimes, in their squirrel-induced fervor, they forget the layout of the house. That’s when the magic happens. They take off running so fast they can’t hit the brakes in time and—WHAM!—full headbutt into Owen’s bedroom door.

It’s the kind of chaos you’d expect in a Looney Tunes cartoon. The door shakes, the dogs look momentarily stunned, and I’m left wondering if I should apologize to Owen or just blame the squirrel. (Let’s be real—it’s always the squirrel’s fault.)

The best part? This little acorn-brained delinquent knows exactly what he’s doing. Sometimes he’ll stop mid-tree just to wiggle his tail like he’s mooning my dogs. And Daley and Hank, sweet but not particularly bright, fall for it every time.

I’m considering putting up tiny “Wanted” posters with a squirrel sketch and a reward of unlimited belly rubs. But for now, I’ll just enjoy the chaos, the door headbutts, and the reminder that even a squirrel can have main-character energy.

Daley, Hank, and that A-hole squirrel: the stars of my very own sitcom.